Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Comedy. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Bakit Wala Ka Pang Jowa Bes



Sa Twitter. ‘Yan ang lugar kung saan ko madalas mapansin ang mga taong malungkot, masaya or kung ano ano pang hanash nila meron sa life. Diyan rin madalas mapukaw ang atensiyon ko sa mga taong nangangailagan ng kalinga at pang-unawa dahil sa mga pinagdadaanan nila sa life, lalo na kung mag-isa sila sa buhay. Hirap maging single baks eh. 

Maraming paandar sa Twitter. Sila yung mga gustong mapansin. Meron naming mga artists na kung ano anong sh*t in life ang gustong ipamalas. Nakakatawa. Pero madalas, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanila. Kumbaga, relate si gaga lalo na nung single ako. Pansin ko nga, sa kada tweet nila, may fragment sa alaala ko na naging ganun din ako minsan sa buhay. Example, ung mga hanash nila na “Ok naman pala maging single. Daming pwedeng gawin.” Take note sa operative word – single. Siempre, ikukuda mo na single ka, para try lang na mapatibong mo si crush. So I think, let’s start there. Isa-isahin natin ang mga dahilan kung bakit kaya sila single, ayon sa general tweets nila baks. Pawang obserbasyon lang. Hindi ako hihingi ng certificate sa Philippine Mental Health Institute (not sure if this even exist), para sa mga ‘to. Natuwa lang ako sa topic. 

May pake ako kung masaktan kayo kung matamaan kayo, so please comment away! Try niyong i-defend ang kagagahan niyo. Charot lang mars. Malamang matawa lang ako at hindi ko kayo seryosohin. 

So ito ang mga dahilan kung bakit single si baks:

1. Hindi mo pa naranasan ang long-term relationship. Malamang, kaya ka nga single until now. Pero ang gusto ko lang i-point out, baka naman hindi mo na na-feel gumawa ng effort na pahabain ang relasyon mo. Isang root-cause nito ay ang ex mo ay hindi rin nakaranas ng long-term relationship. So ngayon, nga-nga ka. Try ka pa rin ng try magkajowa. Nagkakajowa ka naman pero matagal na ang isang buwan. Pero happy ako kasi nakaya mo naman. Try lang ulit. Malay mo yung next ay swak na. Pero I doubt. Haha! 

2. Dami mong arte. I-define lang natin ung arte. Ma-arte para sa akin ung taong close-minded. Gusto ganito lang, at kapag nag-deviate ka, di na niya feel. Taas ng standard sa ibang tao, pero di naman niya ma-meet sarili niyang standard. Kung ikaw ito, galingan mo pa baks. Taasan mo pa standards mo. I know it’s worth the wait. Lalo na kung 45 years old ka na. Kalansay ka na, naghahanap ka pa rin ng makakasama sa kweba. 

3. Hindi Ka Marunong Gumamit ng Social Media. Alam ko marunong ka mag-login at magcomment and all that sh*t. Pero naman kasi, puro ka kanegahan, or masyado kang ma-arte (please refer to number 2). Try mong maging genuinely na mabait. Meron kasing iba na mabait naman talaga, pero may bait-baitan. Yung mga bait-baitan, ayun, maraming pekeng kaibigan. Try mong gamitin ang Social Media to reach out, learn new things, be genuinely interested sa mga tao. Understand them. Charot. Don’t understand them. Effort ka pa. 

4. Sorry ha, pero baka kasi hindi ka maganda. Alam ko naman na ang kagandahan ay subjective. It’s in the eye of the beholder at kung ano ano pang sh*t. Pero baks, kahit mataas ang confidence mo, kung hindi ka gustuhin, eh hindi ka talaga gustuhin. Try mong i-divert sa ibang bagay. Try mong maging tunay na matalino. Hindi yung google google lang baks. Try mong ayusin ung pakikipag-usap mo. Try mong maging sincere. Pero kung hindi talaga, try mo na muna pa-diamond peel, ayusin mo rin sarili mo. Paano magkakagusto sa yo si crush, hindi ka niya maiintroduce sa mga friends niya, kasi nga, paka-chaka mo. Effort din. May mga kaibigan akong panget dati, pero nagawan ng paraan. Try mo makinig sa mga payo ng friends mo na magpaderma or magpalit ng wardrobe. 

5. Hindi Mo Kilala Sarili Mo. Pansin ko ‘to sa Twitter. Walang trend sa mga sinasabi. Or kung may trend man, pasok sa reasons 1-4. Passé man, pero be yourself. Ano ba gusto mo talaga sa life mo? Gusto mo bang maging dancer? Isang businessman? Poet? Construction Worker? Baker? Show your consistent self. Hindi kung ano-anong kagagahan. Most likely, guys would like someone consistent, or nageevolve ng onti-onti. Which leads me to – 

6. Evolve – gaga, hindi ka butterfly. Pero sana magevolve yung ugali mo, or mag-grow ka as a person. Hindi yung isang taon na, lasengga ka pa rin. Isang taon na, puro ka SEB. Isang taon na, pakatanga mo pa rin sa ex mo. Isang taon na, hilig mo pa rin mang-bash, eh hindi ka naman maganda. 

7. Takot ka magmahal. Love is a risk worth taking. Wala namang tanga na nagmamahal to begin with. Tanga lang kapag naperahan ka na or nanakawan ka na, mahal mo pa rin. Takot ka kasi baka mareject ka. Sa totoo lang, sino ba gusto mareject. Pero kasi girl, kung hindi ka marereject, paano mo malalaman kung may pag-asa ka. Si madam Auring ka ba na huhulaan lang ang feelings ni crush. Abay gaga ka nga. 

8. Choosy ka masyado. Iba to sa #2. Kapag choosy ka, ibig sabihin nun marami kang choices. Tapos yung choices mo in life, sobrang poor. Example, crush na ng crush mo. Pero ate, choosy ka sa lugar, pagkain, at kung ano anong activities. Ayaw mo mag-adjust sa kasama mo, kasi ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Wag ka na magjowa. Love Yourself, sabi nga ni Justin Bieber

9. Tamad ka. Having a relationship take some effort. Maghatid, meet-up, magtext and all that shibambamboom. Pero since tamad ka at madalas ka tulog sa kangkungan, eh nabobore ang mga ka-date mo. You know how to change this. Matanda ka na baks.

10. You don’t have much friends. Quality over quantity to mamshie. Check mo, ilan ba ang mga friends mo from high school. Yung level na mauutangan mo. Kung more than 5 yan, well, congratulation, pang-friendship material ka lang. Hahaha, mejo magulo. Pero you know what I mean, I hope. 

11. Eto na, final na. Napapagod na ako. Last reason is… malandi ka bez. Hindi ka pwede makipagjowa kung saksakan ka ng flirt. Kahit open si partner sa ganyan, may saturation period yan. Kaya in the end, either short-term relationship ka lang, or talagang single ka for life kasi ang kati mo baks. Kasing kati mo yung dagta ng gabi at dinurog na buhok ng higad. 

So ayun na nga. Daming kuda. I’m not a relationship guru, but these are just some of the things I’ve observed in my 29 years of existence. Charot sa 29. In the greater scheme of things, ang importante naman ay masaya ka kung single or may partner ka. And by masaya, I mean, ito yung estado na nagagawa mo ang gusto mo na ayon sa puso mo at kuntento ka sa mga pangangailangan mo bilang babae or feeling babae, whichever is appropriate. At kung wala sa estado na yun, pwede ba, kumuda ka na lang ng mga bagay na tingin mo HINDI makakaapekto ng masama sa iba. In short, be considerate. Be mature enough to understand na hindi man ito ang gusto mo, darating din ang panahon na aayon din ang lahat sa kagustuhan mo. Cheka. Maganda ka ba?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Symptoms Part 2


If you are wondering about part 1, please read prior post to this.

In my previous career, I’ve been through a lot of interviews. I’ve been interviewed and I interviewed people too. It’s one tough activity. It’s a test of all sorts for the following; patience, intelligence, communication skills and ultimately honesty. It’s a test to validate things about you, your experience, your guts and your talents. It’s a way to know if you are speaking to a person of credibility and integrity. Those are big words that require big discernment done through a person’s choice of words and his ability to convey lucid and valid thoughts. It can be subjective based on the interviewer’s preference, but that topic is a different story, altogether.

I enjoy reading interviews but more in seeing it done on TV. Ricky Lo’s Funfare is one great example. I love Boy Abunda’s Bottomline too.

In movies, I love interview scenes with a psychiatrist. Have you seen the movie, The Fourth Kind? I wonder how it is being interviewed with a psychiatrist. Sometimes I imagine myself being subjected to hypnosis.

For now, I’d just like to interview myself. Just so you know, I do talk to myself sometimes. You see lately I’ve been into profound thinking, contemplation and the likes. I meditate before going to sleep, all in the hopes to find myself and get to the bottom of my worries.  I’d like to learn more about me. So today, I’ll try to interview myself. Emel, (my childhood nickname) will interview Leo, yours truly.

Emel: Hey, great to see you Leo. How are you feeling today?

Leo: I’m ok. Today has been a weird day. I’ve been to several places without taking a bath. I was tweeting with some friends and I was told that it isn’t obvious that I didn’t take a bath. When I was a kid, I was lazy to take a bath. When I turned 7 and entered first grade, hygiene became important. When I started working, it still was important. That was the past. Today is the present. So I almost did not take a bath today.

Emel: Wow, so what triggered you now to take a bath?

Leo: I don’t know. But I think it’s the pattern in life you become accustomed to. The day wasn’t complete without shampooing my hair, lathering soap suds in my skin and rinsing off with cold water.

Emel: I read your past posts and I find you writing serious stuff about government and workplace. Why?

Leo: It was random. I never planned it. I just thought of writing something relevant to the news I’m seeing and I got inspired from an office mate.

Emel: I see. What have you been seeing in the news?

Leo: Rampant corruption, poor urban management resulting to floods, crime and KC Concepcion’s get-away to France.

Emel: It appears that you’ve been seeing a lot of negative news nowadays. Has this affected you, your relationship and your family?

Leo: Hmmm, I don’t think so. News has always been negative. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be reported. Any news that are positive in nature has its own natural way of emitting negative waves. Going back to your question, it so well affected some of my goals.

Emel: Like?

Leo: Well, one, I thought of the news as something that strengthen my aspirations for a better life. It can be here in the Philippines or somewhere else. It’s an inspiration to better myself.

Emel: Hmmm, I heard you have plans of migrating somewhere?

Leo: It is still a plan. All I know is that I want better life, have my own family, get married and raise my kids to a peace-loving and progressive society.

Emel: That sounds cool. So how are things going with you and Nimmy?

Leo: Nimmy has been my anchor. I couldn’t imagine myself going through these struggles in life without him. He inspires and loves me so much. We see each other every Saturday. We go malling, badminton and sometimes have coffee together. It’s great being with him. I love our conversations and the way we plan our lives together. Sometimes we argue, however it rarely happens like 1 in 3745 interactions. Our relationship has been known to many, but the thing is, we get to have most of the things for ourselves. We have so many cherished moments together, but I’d rather not say it all.

Emel: Ok, I understand. How true that you are missing living-in with Nimmy?

Leo: Yes, a lot. I most of the time talk about this with Nimmy. I always catch myself thinking about our previous set-up. It was the best time of my life so far.

Emel: Do you guys have future plans of sharing under one roof again?

Leo: Yes, we have plans. It can happen soon.

Emel: So how are you and your job hunting? How’s the business going?

Leo: There was a point last June that I got so depressed and deactivated almost all of my social networking sites for not having a job. It was not the best thing to do, and it was coward. Once, I felt that applying for a job and failing was becoming a cycle. It was depressing, Emel. I felt worthless really. On the sidelines, I tend to have more time to study business concepts. Initially, I felt it was joke to manage my father’s agricultural land. Agri-business is not my cup of tea. Seeing my small wins, I feel more that I was dodging a bullet, not only for myself but also for my family. I still don’t want to settle. I still would want not only to see the business picking-up, but also to fulfill my desire to grow professionally. After all, it would not hurt to earn from business and at the same time from employment. It’s like having two jobs. How cool is that?

Emel: That’s sad to hear but I’m glad that you get to do something while waiting. Are you ok?

Leo: I think I am. I chose not to dwell much on it. I said it too much to myself, but I mean it now. I’m keeping my faith.

Emel: How does this experience change you?

Leo: It made me talk to God more than ever. I become more prayerful. I become more hopeful for a better life. Prayer keeps me sane. It helps me create good decisions and it helps me accept things coming my way. I become more positive in dealing with life.

Emel: Was there a time you felt God is not answering you?

Leo: I still worry sometimes. I’m still anxious about what will happen to my future. I don’t know what will happen next, and I feel that my current situation is not helping me. There were moments I feel helpless. So to answer your question, I say yes. But I believe that God’s delayed answer is not God’s denial. Just because it’s not happening, it’s not going to happen. I feel that God will give to people what they ask for, but in His own time. If it is taking longer, then He is creating the perfect situation.

Emel:  Wow, you’ve really said it right. Indeed, with God, nothing is impossible.

Leo: That’s true. You don’t need to worry. Strong faith really matters on these hard and trying times.

Emel: Your birthday will be this coming Thursday, the 20th. What is your birthday wish?

Leo: Health for me and Nimmy.

Emel: You are turning 31. Do you believe you have matured enough for your age?

Leo: I don’t think there’s a measure of maturity for any age. I just know that whatever you do, as long as you’re not encroaching on anybody’s right, you’re good. To add, God doesn’t judge us based on age.

Emel: Haha. I couldn’t agree more. So how do you feel now?

Leo: I realized after doing this makes me feel stupid talking to myself. But I enjoyed it, really. Thank you.

Emel: You’re always welcome.  Should you wish to talk to someone, you know where to see me.

Leo: Nah, I think I’m good. 

Emel: Any final message? 

Leo: To myself, you're one hell of a guy. You're handsome and kind. Keep being crazy, but do not cross the abnormal kind of way. Enjoy what you are doing best and the rest will follow. God loves you. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

How To Be a Professional Bum


Like most of you know, I've been employing myself for the past 9 months. Being a CEO of myself is not a big joke. This company had flourished in a blink of an eye. I need to be ultra-organized and ensure that the structure of my company instigates gradual development and implement cost-reduction measures. Aside from expecting a short period for ROI, my company implores in sustainable resources. A CEO therefore should have the eye for critical strategies to win and gain pertinent clients. 

The main foundation of any company is their customer service. It's aim is to ensure NPS (net promoter score) target; the benchmark of which is their customer loyalty which in the sense cultivates new customers. The influx of customer can never be an issue for a company that capitalizes in strategy of marketing and investing. Therefore, it is a must that for any business, it should have that sense of relationship building, ergo, networking. 

Ok, less seriously. 

These are the limited thoughts I have about rudiments of business. 

Its intricacies are carefully noted on business textbooks or manuals which I haven't got the chance to get hold on to.  Those I noted in the first two paragraphs are things I learned from being an employee. It's key results (figures in $), I'll never get a chance to attest since I don't really have a company to run. 

Our family agri-business is the closest I have for practice. The only limitation I have is that our business are not on it's peak this quarter, but certainly this coming summer. 

So then I thought. 

I kinda like cars. Not their engines, but their interiors and exteriors. I find it therapeutic to do car washing/waxing. 

So viola, I'm planning to have a car wash shop. Oh, I want a salon too. I want guys to have make-over for themselves and at the same time, viewing their cars being shampooed.   

But before I get lost in the black hole of my not-so-profound mind, I just realized a lot of things. These forceful musings derived from being unemployed got me to really thinking about being a businessman. 

I'm serious. 

Being this kind of bum, makes me thinks everyday about balance sheets and income statements. I chanced upon stocks and investing too which I only thought will exist in my parallel universe. 

Ok, I'm not that young. Not that old too. Being in my early 30s, I still feel the propensity to learn new industry skills. 

What's my point then? Nothing really. Being a bum sucks ten times if you don't want to aspire or dream. It sucks if you don't have a goal. 

How to be a professional bum? I have only one advice. Dedicate your time into translating yourself being a professional of something you love doing. 

So what could you be? 

I say, it doesn't matter, just as long you're in a haul of  fulfilling your purpose.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Those Facebook Statuses Part 2 (last)

 

Honestly, I had a hard time looking for another set of shit funny Facebook statuses from my friends.  It's like looking for a needle in haystack.This made me realize that I still have good friends. Thank God.  

Then I started sorting my friends out and tried to remember who among these fits my criteria. Surprisingly, the list boiled down to high school and elementary friends, who are girls, who are the quiet types and who are all known to be challenged and stressed in this so called studying. One entry was a previous subordinate in my call center career. 

Well, here are my final choices: 


This is my friend again who works in a ship cruise. She's leaving tomorrow morning and she misses someone. Her comment to a friend's comment is just so funny for me. The reason being is that in all her statuses, she mentions she's leaving on Wednesday. Why can't she just leave... for good. (?)
***
I read it thrice. For a status to be read multiple times means one, you need to discern who your friends are and two, you want to learn something, like deciphering a code in an English sentence. 
***

Please tell me, why did I go the same school with you? You made me very sad. 
***

She's pretty. That's all. 
***

He's a classic poser. He claims to have traveled Europe, brags he's a rich brat and he works just to get to do something. He knows how to speak German and French. Ask him to translate a sentence in those languages and he'll oblige. After a day. 
***

Well that's it, I'm done. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Those Facebook Statuses Part 1

This is just for fun. I don't wish to put my friend's in bad light but I'd just like to point out their ridiculous, funny, thought-provoking and spine-tingling status. Oh yes, spine-tingling because it gives you goosebumps, in an embarrassing kind of way. Confused? Let's go figure in a few. 

I'd been observing how and what my friends in Facebook post in their walls. At some point, I have to hide them on my News Feed for the following reasons:
  • Rants. I think they eat rants for breakfast. You get what I mean? 
  • Grammatically challenged statuses. I'm not perfect in English, but I know basic. If you can't express in English, you can always use the vernacular, or ask professional help. 
  • Paragraph statuses. 'Nuff said.
  • Brags. I'm ok with once in a while brags. I'm guilty of bragging sometimes. But putting your accomplishments every week is just painful. 
  • Emoticons. :(
  • Face pictures. Oh c'mon, 5 sets? Everyday? On your wall? 
  • Past co-workers I don't want to get affiliated with. I just have a few of them, so it's no biggie actually. 
  • ALL CAPS.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Your Top 10 Semi-Finalists

I was anxious.

Pressured.

I feel droplets of sweat in my forehead. My palm is wet and I can feel my heart beating wildly.

First round of elimination was over. I was in.

Good thing, I share the same feeling with the fellow contestants. It was a tiring experience standing up, maintaining poise and to wait patiently for our names to be called for each round. All of us woke up early for this event. We prepared, however I prepared differently from them. I gave my all. I made sure my name will be remembered, one hundred years from now. And yes, that song from Brian Mcknight keeps on playing in the background.

In a few moments, they will call the top ten finalists. Only ten lucky ones will be part of this very prestigious contest. Not all can be lucky. Not all can share the stage.

Top ten... Keeps ringing on my head. There can only be TEN. What if I didn't make it? How will I move on? When all I know this is a once in a life-time adventure? Will I take another chance?