Passing

In a sudden burst of emotion, all I can say to him was, “Ayoko na.”

Two months have passed and here I am going strong and seemingly have my life figured all up. The decision to call it off steamed from the fact that the relationship no longer serves me. The pang of emotion from two taciturn soul just couldn’t help bridge whatever chaotic situation it resulted. At last I’m free. I’m free to do whatever I want. Afterall, that’s my request. I have to be alone so I can better off myself.

Fast forward two months. I saw how my life unfold from just pursuing my interests without the guilt of having someone feel bad if I go home late. This ardent feeling of independence was addicting and there’s no stopping me at this point.

Until I met someone.

He’s red flag all over. Not the type of person you would like to have serious relationship with.

I got handful of reasons not to pursue this damn feeling. And I’m so proud in saying that I did a good job of not falling to the trap.

Trap. He’s been sending a lot of mixed signals and if I’m that stupid, I could have reacted with confidence and strong assumption that he’s really into me. F*ck.

Lucky me, I don’t have time to process this with utmost urgency and ask him if he feels the same way – or if he has this inkling to pursue me, or whatever. Maybe he felt my indifference, maybe not. You know what, I just don't care anymore. 

I’m done.

Too old for this sh*t to consume my time. Time that I could have used to make myself productive. 

A Comeback (2016 Review Primer)

I am actually supposed to do something for work but I felt this itch coming into my fingers and clicked on my blog. I am surprised to see that my last blog entry was last year. Since then, I have never made any entry for this year. What a shame.

To tell you honestly, I’ve been so occupied with a lot of things for the past few months. Good thing, they were all positive things that came along. There’s nothing to complain about and I think I’ve come into terms that we get both – good and bad in this life. If I were to recollect my past experiences, I think this year, 2016 has been so good to me. I can’t enumerate them all and I reserve them for my own for now.  But here are some of my 2016 highlights.

Work has been so generous to me and I think I’m reaping the hard work and resilience. There are ups and downs, but I’m always ready to celebrate the small wins. Part of me has grown because of the role I have in the company. I’m very privileged to have a very strong team and I’m so proud of their individual contributions. I’m so thankful for my boss and we’ve been good friends. This we found as a good formula for work relationships. We also go by the mantra of “making our people happy.” This ignites passion and keeps our office culture in tact.

In the family front, I’m delighted to have my first niece. Sister and brother-in-law is doing well in New Zealand and parents are there for a six-month vacation. I’m elated seeing my parents enjoy the snow but more importantly, I’m pleased to see their health in full-swing.

Currently, I live alone in a simple house, just a kilometer away from our old abode. Younger brother was tasked to man the old house as we have several pets there. I’m tasked to look after our property in the east of the metro, and I haven’t seen it for four months or so.

Partner and I are still going strong. He’s doing well in his new found love – business. He’ll return to corporate set-up in the next few days in Manila. We’ll live together as we sort out our future. We decided after two years that we take the next step. Our weekly house dating is just getting too short for us. We want to be together all the time. I just have one condition for him – let me do my hobby which is badminton. He’s supportive and I think it’ll never be an issue to us.

You see, despite the negativity we see in our world nowadays, I think it’s paramount for us to look on the small good things coming our way. I bet challenges will always be there, it’s part of the normalcy. One question I asked when I was in China, should we waste time in overthinking instead of contemplating how we can better ourselves and our future? I observed other countries whose people has been passionate in their own craft. They simplify, excel, inspire, they progress. I went home with that lesson in mind. 

As I move forward to another year, my fervent hope is for the people around me to feel good about themselves and start to experience growth. I was stagnant before but it takes a mindset to really change my situation. 

If I can, I’m sure you will, too.

Leo The Dora, No!

Allow me to rave on my recent weekend.

So Friday after shift, I went straight to Clark Pampanga to see Jason, Mark and Archie. Jason and I just recently became friends through Twitter and Mark and my Covet friends used to hang-out. It was something unplanned. We just thought of just having dinner and coffee until midnight. I came in earlier than the agreed time as I still have to join a meeting for the new account I will working on. I just stayed on a coffee shop and did people watching once in a while. Jason arrived and we chit-chatted while we wait for Archie and Mark. After both arrived, we went straight to Koko Buri, a very nice restaurant in Clark. We went to Café Mesa afterwards and we were treated with a cozy place and very delicious hazelnut coffee. After coffee, we head on to Jason’s hotel in San Fernando, then back to Dau to drop off Mark as he needs to go home to Tarlac. Me and honey just stayed in a very cute place in Mabalacat, had breakfast, and I went back to Manila that morning. Saturday afternoon, I need to travel back up north – this time, Pulilan, Bulacan. One of my staff member, just inaugurated their family’s new commercial building. It was an awesome celebration with food, red wine and some videoke. It was fun. Chinese red wine was something that stuck in my mind. I got home minutes after midnight.

I don’t know what is going on. I’ve been going out this month, and I’m not complaining. Driving is fun in NLEX but going to NLEX is just a totally different story. Expressways are the coolest, but metro manila roads are not so friendly.

Sunday, I got my dental braces removed. Yahoo, I’m totally free of braces after three years. It just feel so weird though.

Now, it’s Monday once more.

We oftentimes dread this day. It’s the start of the week where we mentally and physically need to prepare.

And I really don’t know what else to say.

I’m tired. 

A-Not-So Blogging Comeback

I stumbled upon Ceiboh’s recent blog entry and made me realize the same point he delivered, a comeback in blogging.

I don’t know. It’s been like 5 or 6 years from the time I blogged. The ultimate aim was just really to share stories, experiences and to document anything I feel like putting out here. As I try to relive those days where I write random stuff about love and other noteworthy ventures, I wonder what inspired me, to be honest. While I know my aim, I can’t help but get motivation from the engagement and interactions I get from blogging. It was fun and people were generally appreciative.

Most of the bloggers I know are into Twitter. Micro-blogging may have killed the blogging hobby, but I still think that blogging is completely separate from expressing mental farts, to scientific discoveries, arts, video blogging and all other platforms where you express, rant or just plainly show-off.

A lot of things have changed and mostly have infused themselves as how technology moves. Just observe how Apple technology changed the game with how we produce output at work, arts, gaming and all other things you can imagine. It’s just that crazy.

Just like snail mail, I think personal blogging should not be deterred by how we use technology in expressing and documenting our lives. Where everything now is a free-flow, the more I think that we must explain ourselves and put more color to our thoughts and feelings. We have all the technology to engage and share, what we need right now, is the passion to really connect and tell our stories with a little bit of play of words and not just turn everything visual and one-liners. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that we should elicit exchange of significant thoughts than to invite miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Do I have the time to go back to this piece of junk? Well, hell yeah. My life might have been a bore for the last three years, I am still thankful that I’m still learning a few and I’d like to share some of these things in my blog. Things changed and I know it’s a cliché. I still never outgrown my desire to really write, share and inspire others, especially those who have known me through this blog and those that I made friends with.

Just few updates about me. I’m happy with my current partner right now. We’re currently on our 16^th months and things are looking brighter for both of us. Work is tough, and is getting tougher. I work in a BPO but I’m now more than a year in the morning shift. I got a small team, but I get the fulfillment with how strong, independent and competent my team is. Family is great. Sister has already stayed in New Zealand for more than a year. We have plans of visiting her next year. I put on hold my plan of working in NZ, but I’m not closing doors and I still would want to migrate if given the chance. I started to go out again and meeting new friends has given me a new perspective in life. I lagged behind badminton, but I’m starting to pick-up on this activity since last week. I’m now staying in a new house in San Jose Del Monte Bulacan, and Bamba (my Nissan Navara pickup) is still my best companion in travels, most recent long-drive of which is Baguio. I have plans of doing video-blogs again! But I might postpone until next year, as I migrate to a new country. *fingers-crossed*

Oh life. It goes on. At my age where people think I got it all together, I think I’m in a perpetual stage of planning and really just living each day at a time. I’ve no regrets. And to my span of influence, may we all find our happiness in our journeys. 

Love Found Us

Earlier that year, I was like in a limbo hovering from one place to the other. I was in a constant search for that one person. I don’t know why, but I guess part of my DNA is the sheer passion to be with someone. My center and peace of mind revolves around the fact that I was born to love and be loved. When one can construe this a mere dependence to someone, others find this a sign of weakness and a depiction of one “hopeless romantic” micro-organism of the entire universe. Well, a news for myself, I am that person, and I don’t intend to put a stop until I find him. I guess I was never really born alone or single. It’s just not my story.

My happiness is not really finding the perfect guy that society conspicuously dictates in so many forms of platform. It’s not even in the chase. I came to conclude one day that my happiness is simply finding a person who I can love, spend the rest of my life and just open up my life so he can love me back.

Easy? Definitely not.

Finding a partner in life is like looking for a dream job. You go on dates like it’s an interview process, you go on several dates – which is like an on the job training. Come to think of it, relationship starts to be like a job and ends up being a career. Why? Because you start by doing your job as a partner, and as time goes by, you build your life and your choices based on the relationship, just like a career.

However, I dug deeper, I feel that relationships should be taken as separate entities. Your discipline in the work is something you do not apply in your love one. And when I say discipline, it’s the corporate management where you document disciplinary measures and instill progressive programs. Same goes for love-relationships, you do not kiss and hug after a terrible fight at work. Needless to say, that’s very awkward.

My contention really is this, finding your love of your life is seeking not your happiness, but the happiness of the person you've chosen to love for the rest of your life. Along the way, if your happiness and his happiness dances in unison, count not the years of togetherness because years become irrelevant for two people who signed contracts in their hearts, it’s more binding than a piece of paper.

As I aged, I realized that success for the youth are the people that have accumulated wealth over the years. In my age right now, it still applies. But as I grow older, I reckon my success is measured by how my partner reminisce the moments we shared - the problems we have solved, the laughter that made us forget, the people who we've helped, the effort we put just to see each other, how we smelled each other’s neck, how we finish the food in our plates, sharing popcorn and soda while watching a movie, the warm hug before we fall asleep, and so many others.

In our age right now, where we are busy with our own careers and realizing our dreams, I can’t help but think about my future with him. Relationship for me is not complete if we don’t share those dreams together. While I may get support and validation from my family and friends, I find my partner’s perspective a little bit over the notch than anyone else. After all, I feel that what is given by my partner is more than a validation.

I thank the universe for trusting me to love again. I am happy that I've found peace and serenity knowing that a person have seen beyond my imperfection and just accepted me for who I am. And I think the secret is just doing the same, loving the person beyond the imperfection and accepting them for who they are. 

It'll Get Better

Have you ever faced a problem alone? Like no one can ever help you but yourself? How does it feel? How did it impact your life, your important relationships and self-value? Have you realized the value of your circle? Did you reach out for help?

I’m not sure with you. But these questions, are actually the questions that I’ve asked myself, as I try to figure out solving my recent crisis in life. These are the questions that I’ve thrown myself almost every day. These are the same questions that hurt me, but made me realize stuff.

Weeks after I moved out from home (parent’s house), my issues in finances came rushing in my doorsteps. I become broke for months. I have to pay rent, budget my income and maintain my lifestyle. It was aggravated when I started working in the day shift. You see, working in a BPO industry is fabulous if you work in the evening since you are secured of night differential. But when I started supporting Asia Pacific countries like Hong Kong, Singapore, India, Australia and New Zealand, it removed my night differential which was significant in my pay with the huge tax I pay every month.

My source of income got impacted, my savings went to zero.  This change got me caught in a very tight dilemma.

Sister moved to New Zealand last September which means, I don’t have anyone close to me to ask for help. Things moved on and here comes another problem. I have to renew my car’s insurance and have my quarterly car maintenance. I also ran into a small accident where I have to claim weeks before my insurance gets expired. Unfortunately after it get fixed, my insurance expired and I have to put my car on the garage for more than a week. That means, I have to commute. To be honest, it was a humbling experience. I get to ride the jeep again and there are days I rode an ordinary bus.

I tried to patch things up by applying a short-term loan and credit cards. Everyone denied me. Not a single bank allowed me for a loan. There were insanely and ridiculous reasons why. One, my employer replied to banks saying I was a resigned employee since August. Another is my employer’s employee verification officer can’t be reached. To be perfectly honest, I felt those months were really ugly months of my life. I felt I was inviting negative vibes. There were days I think it was more than that. I felt I was cursed. A grave loser. 

I cried and reached out for help. But no one can. I think it was the universe telling me, “You gotta endure this alone my friend.”

As I cogitate my previous month’s existence. I asked those questions but ultimately, I asked myself, “why?” Why do I have to go through this?

With this I realized the meaning of friendship. I realized the importance of family. I realized how Archie loves me, that despite his own problems, he understood and helped me pay one month of my rent. That despite the distance, he braved a storm just to see and spend a day with me. I love you hon! 

Today, I’m not completely free of the struggles, but I’m getting there. I just need to settle few things and I'm off to a better life. See you soon New Zealand! I promised myself that I should no longer be in this predicament. I need to do this for myself and the people that believes in me.  I’m a bit wiser and stronger now but above all…

I could have not survive this ordeal without those few people who eased me out in the process. My gratitude remains in you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Initium

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share. 

For a life-time.

Cheers.