A Comeback (2016 Review Primer)

I am actually supposed to do something for work but I felt this itch coming into my fingers and clicked on my blog. I am surprised to see that my last blog entry was last year. Since then, I have never made any entry for this year. What a shame.

To tell you honestly, I’ve been so occupied with a lot of things for the past few months. Good thing, they were all positive things that came along. There’s nothing to complain about and I think I’ve come into terms that we get both – good and bad in this life. If I were to recollect my past experiences, I think this year, 2016 has been so good to me. I can’t enumerate them all and I reserve them for my own for now.  But here are some of my 2016 highlights.

Work has been so generous to me and I think I’m reaping the hard work and resilience. There are ups and downs, but I’m always ready to celebrate the small wins. Part of me has grown because of the role I have in the company. I’m very privileged to have a very strong team and I’m so proud of their individual contributions. I’m so thankful for my boss and we’ve been good friends. This we found as a good formula for work relationships. We also go by the mantra of “making our people happy.” This ignites passion and keeps our office culture in tact.

In the family front, I’m delighted to have my first niece. Sister and brother-in-law is doing well in New Zealand and parents are there for a six-month vacation. I’m elated seeing my parents enjoy the snow but more importantly, I’m pleased to see their health in full-swing.

Currently, I live alone in a simple house, just a kilometer away from our old abode. Younger brother was tasked to man the old house as we have several pets there. I’m tasked to look after our property in the east of the metro, and I haven’t seen it for four months or so.

Partner and I are still going strong. He’s doing well in his new found love – business. He’ll return to corporate set-up in the next few days in Manila. We’ll live together as we sort out our future. We decided after two years that we take the next step. Our weekly house dating is just getting too short for us. We want to be together all the time. I just have one condition for him – let me do my hobby which is badminton. He’s supportive and I think it’ll never be an issue to us.

You see, despite the negativity we see in our world nowadays, I think it’s paramount for us to look on the small good things coming our way. I bet challenges will always be there, it’s part of the normalcy. One question I asked when I was in China, should we waste time in overthinking instead of contemplating how we can better ourselves and our future? I observed other countries whose people has been passionate in their own craft. They simplify, excel, inspire, they progress. I went home with that lesson in mind. 

As I move forward to another year, my fervent hope is for the people around me to feel good about themselves and start to experience growth. I was stagnant before but it takes a mindset to really change my situation. 

If I can, I’m sure you will, too.

It'll Get Better

Have you ever faced a problem alone? Like no one can ever help you but yourself? How does it feel? How did it impact your life, your important relationships and self-value? Have you realized the value of your circle? Did you reach out for help?

I’m not sure with you. But these questions, are actually the questions that I’ve asked myself, as I try to figure out solving my recent crisis in life. These are the questions that I’ve thrown myself almost every day. These are the same questions that hurt me, but made me realize stuff.

Weeks after I moved out from home (parent’s house), my issues in finances came rushing in my doorsteps. I become broke for months. I have to pay rent, budget my income and maintain my lifestyle. It was aggravated when I started working in the day shift. You see, working in a BPO industry is fabulous if you work in the evening since you are secured of night differential. But when I started supporting Asia Pacific countries like Hong Kong, Singapore, India, Australia and New Zealand, it removed my night differential which was significant in my pay with the huge tax I pay every month.

My source of income got impacted, my savings went to zero.  This change got me caught in a very tight dilemma.

Sister moved to New Zealand last September which means, I don’t have anyone close to me to ask for help. Things moved on and here comes another problem. I have to renew my car’s insurance and have my quarterly car maintenance. I also ran into a small accident where I have to claim weeks before my insurance gets expired. Unfortunately after it get fixed, my insurance expired and I have to put my car on the garage for more than a week. That means, I have to commute. To be honest, it was a humbling experience. I get to ride the jeep again and there are days I rode an ordinary bus.

I tried to patch things up by applying a short-term loan and credit cards. Everyone denied me. Not a single bank allowed me for a loan. There were insanely and ridiculous reasons why. One, my employer replied to banks saying I was a resigned employee since August. Another is my employer’s employee verification officer can’t be reached. To be perfectly honest, I felt those months were really ugly months of my life. I felt I was inviting negative vibes. There were days I think it was more than that. I felt I was cursed. A grave loser. 

I cried and reached out for help. But no one can. I think it was the universe telling me, “You gotta endure this alone my friend.”

As I cogitate my previous month’s existence. I asked those questions but ultimately, I asked myself, “why?” Why do I have to go through this?

With this I realized the meaning of friendship. I realized the importance of family. I realized how Archie loves me, that despite his own problems, he understood and helped me pay one month of my rent. That despite the distance, he braved a storm just to see and spend a day with me. I love you hon! 

Today, I’m not completely free of the struggles, but I’m getting there. I just need to settle few things and I'm off to a better life. See you soon New Zealand! I promised myself that I should no longer be in this predicament. I need to do this for myself and the people that believes in me.  I’m a bit wiser and stronger now but above all…

I could have not survive this ordeal without those few people who eased me out in the process. My gratitude remains in you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Initium

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share. 

For a life-time.

Cheers.

Thought of Diaspora

This entry is written to remind myself of how it was like for me being single again. It’s been more than three months since the break-up and as I assess myself, I got scared knowing that I’ve been just fine. I just don’t find it normal that there’s no such thing as mourning or countless moments of emoness. Don’t get me wrong, I got sad, but it wasn’t perpetual as expected. I know that I should be celebrating my maturity and the impeccable way I handled myself during and after the event, which in my point of view, is a typical expectation for someone who has been seasoned and lucky to have several relationships in life.  I hope I can say it was easy but as I try to go back day by day, building this story, and recapitulating the emotions that went around it, I can’t help but realize how the impact of this, change me to view things and force me to understand better.

No one can really make a 100% effective manual to move on and overcome a painful break-up. It takes more than putting a step by step process and expect someone to run with it and have a happily ever after ending. There’s just no blanket approach. Though some people can relate, I believe the best medicine to this kind of pain is their own antidote that they themselves can create.

Work has been the best refuge so far. It is integral to me. It gave me the reason to subject myself to long hours at work, focus on what needs to be done, support the people that work for the company and for my department. Knowing the fact that I only depend on myself, I feel more the need to achieve. The salary mindset has been totally erased and for me, the paramount in my career is to be able to achieve my personal career goals. It elates me being able to touch a lot of people, inspire them to be achievers too. I realized and dawned on me my strength in helping people realize their potentials. I’m also happy to have found new mentors in my career. People who I think at some point might have lost confidence in me, but has always been patient in providing feedback and guidance. 

So I asked myself. What else can I do to enrich my life? I recently joined a speech and leadership organization, Toastmasters International. In this club, a lot of professional spends a great deal of hours to hone their public speaking skills. But on top of that – no one can deny the fact that this group is a great source of friendship and network. It was really an enriching experience to have met some VPs from banks, managers from retail industry, entrepreneurs, college students/professors, IT professionals, auditors and a whole lot more. Last Saturday, we had this small workshop about personal goals and challenges. That workshop was indeed something I need to cap that day. I was already on my 20^th hour awake from a Friday night shift at work. 

There are two things lurking my mind that moment of workshop. One is my goal of migrating to NZ. Seek better life outside the country, and number two, purchase my dream pick-up car. Obviously of the two, the easiest to achieve was the latter. I have a job that can sustain monthly amortization. I just can sell my existing ride to decrease the amount of down payment. But then again, I realized. Is this self-enriching? Is it really worth buying a new car? Will this bring long-term happiness in my life? Or will it just give me license to brag, feel good about myself and then what? 

As I try to build a plot in my head, the resounding foundation of this all is really my desire to move on with my new life. That I’m already single, that I should be opening a new chapter in my existence. That I should be thinking about my future whether alone or with a partner if ever. I’m happy of the change, but the transition really just bores me to death. Partly it’s my fault of not doing anything, or maybe I’m not pushing myself hard. 

I had several meet-ups and dates after the break-up, but then I realized, is it worth it? Or maybe I’m just not finding the right guy, or I’m not yet prepared for any guy for that matter. Is it my standards? Well I certainly don’t blame my ex, he’s really one tough guy to beat (see, I’m not a hater). Can I adjust to any guy? Then I thought of some pre-conditions. Which makes me conclude, it’s not happening, or my heart's turning to stone?

The month of June will be extra tough in terms of managing my itinerary. I’ve committed myself in adhering to my calendar of activities which points to my other goal.  A sort of stuff will be sacrificed, but I feel that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I really owe this to myself. If it comes soon, I’d be stoked with the idea of a better life, not only for me, but for my family as well. 

A close friend asked, “What will compel you to change your mind to migrate?” I answered, “Two things. That f*cking Strada I’ve been yearning for years. Number two… if that someone I’m eyeing for will ask me to stay.” 

“Taena mo Leo. Ang landi mo rin eh.” And we burst out laughing. 

I don’t know. I think there are solid plans in my mind. But it’s really all up to me at this point. The universe blessed me with endless options but at the end of the day, the decision should come from the heart. 

Great days ahead I see. Great days...

3 High-Level Updates

The other day, I was browsing through some of the books I haven’t finished reading and one of it was “The God Delusion” written by Richard Dawkins. He’s an atheist writer I’ve learned to know during the time I was looking for some answers in life. He started the book with a story of his wife hating school during her younger years which when she disclosed the fact to her parents they asked, “Why didn’t you tell us darling?”

“I didn’t know I could.”

When I tried to reflect on my choices last year and early part of this year, the thought really stuck in my head that I’m responsible to my own destiny. My choices are mine, and mine alone. I always have the option to everything that can affect me. I did this by sharpening my intuition and putting my heart to all that I think is substantial for my growth, not physically, but growth in character and wisdom. Until this very day, things have been consistently going in my favor.  While at this time I didn’t ask nor summon for a favorable situation – one by one, destiny has become easy to comprehend. It’s you and you right now. It’s the present things you do. It’s not the future. 

You see, not knowing your options really can stir you to a different path.  Same thing though if you knew things, it can propel you to different sorts. We know knowledge is power.  It’s a source to determine and weigh things. It can bring you to life’s decision or choose not to decide – which in effect the same because it’s still a decision.  

My faith now was really not an accident. It’s not just a day in my life that I decide – “Hey, I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in god.” As far as my maturity goes, I learned that your choices are both driven by your analytics and your emotions. It’s not a rocket science or a matter of metaphysics that requires you understand the movement of energy pockets by one thing to the other.  It’s how you think and react to things thrown at you. I agree, I’ve been in a struggling and challenging life last year. While it could have been the fuel for my “unfaithfulness” in religion, I was really in a profound quest for my truth. Options have been springing out from every corner in my life, and as I try to sail my life, it has been a tremendous joy knowing what I really want, and knowing what I need to hold onto. No one can pay you a money’s worth, to label your own personal effectiveness. It’s yours alone. 

***

I’m on my fourth month in employment. Geese, it’s been a whole new learning experience for me. While people may think I’ve been a veteran in this industry, well for sure I think I’m not. Most of the folks I interact with have thought I’ve been in the company for so long but then again, come to think of it, I’ve been holding a position which exposes me to a lot of information. Information is knowledge I have up for my sleeves. It’s like a thing you can substitute for tenure. Who says you can’t be who you want to be? Read more and find that mastery in you. You’ll go a long way for sure.

My word of advice to people who are busy building their careers, “bullshit baffles the brain.” Learn stuff that can help you become better servants. Bring value to every hour you are paid. You attract your salary. It shouldn’t be the other way around. 

***

Nimmy and I have been a constant weekend date partners. It has been for months now. I’m not complaining. The current set-up of living in parent’s house, (well technically, he’s not since he’s renting a house with siblings) has been working for us just fine. 

This makes me revisit my thoughts about long-distance relationships. Will that thing work? I guess so. Looking at it from a different perspective, I see that Nimmy and I had this year-long investment in time, togetherness, understanding and commitment. While for some intimacy has been a major factor, I think it’s more than that, it’s a shared goal. Being managers in our jobs, we have learned that sticking to a goal while changing tactics and strategies along the way can be helpful. 

The key word is GOAL. 

Our main goal is really to have a blissful retirement. We’re on our tender years as professional and since we are earning good, it’s practical that we share the decision to invest and earn so that we can have comfortable lives when we get old.  While the government can’t give security to our union (I don’t want to dwell on this further but I will in the future), our sense of security for each other has never been tarnished. Again, it’s commitment. It’s the conscious effort you put together as partners to build a relationship to last.

Life After The Alchemist

Few days after raving in my recent post the book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, I've been getting positive vibes in my life one of which is realizing and confirming that it is with human facility, that innate power that we can control and summon the universe to our own agenda. The intensity it took reading page after page, have reverberated all throughout the days, which until now, I can't believe that it's all happening.  I didn't get the same intensity after reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne several years ago or any other books I came across, ever. 

Within thirteen months, I've accustomed myself to the routine/confines of reflecting, realizing stuff, spiritual adventure, faith overturn, networking, rekindling old ties, reading, studying, business, sports and leisure and other things I can't even remember or is not even worth remembering. 

I got the first hand experience of the numerous adages about life's intricacies and how you can turn yourself into a hero of your own life. 

I am PROUD of the fact that in just a few days, I am embarking on my FIRST step fulfilling a Personal Legend. I am set on a mission for a stunning comeback in the industry I learned to love and hate at the same time.  It's the perfect timing to correct the mistakes, and get even to the life that has deprived me in order to learn, in order to realize how the universe eagerly wants me to take that STEP, not half-hearted, but full of enthusiasm and bullish mindset. I was bullied by fate, and all it takes for a sweeping victory is to just fight back by capitalizing on your "cards." It was not that easy. 

As I was signing the employment contract few days ago, I can't help but think of the people that never let go of the spark they said I still have in me. The people who have the sternest belief and trust that I can go on and be successful still, albeit the doubt stamped all over my body. They too have slapped me to wake up. My gratitude STAYS with them. 

I've realized that whatever life has thrown you - meager roads, endless crossroads, tribulations  or just plainly challenges, whatever your HEART desires, whatever it is that you want ultimately, it will still be victorious in the end. Along the way, you will have different dreams, different goals. But at the end of it all, one dream will stand out. Time is indeed a friend. It gives you the ability to realize and weigh things out. Mine took thirteen months while for others it just doesn't happen. I still view myself, LUCKY.

It was a feeling of joy that I can't even explain through words, when it has dawned on me what I really want to achieve in life. One by one my set of OMEN appeared. And just like what P.Coelho described on one of the chapters- that once you get to hear your heart communicate with the soul of the earth, "beginner's luck" seems inevitable. Everything just falls into place. 

Employment came to a breeze, people I need to have contacts to embassy, real estates, stock management and even migration, started to come my way. I'm not even really sure what it is going on, but even Nimmy got the chance to listen to one of Suze Orman's seminar.  We all know her for her financial management acumen and her show in CNN. I need the learnings, and it is all coming into my doorsteps. 

Sometimes I really think how stupid I was during the months I was on a limbo. It stinks. But  now I realized why that thing happened. It made me STRONG and just ready to fight head on. 

Then we know, The Alchemist came. 

I read, deciphered and learned concepts. I learned about myself MORE than ever. 

I learned about what I was really dreaming about. I learned my purpose. 

That stupid book, it has really CHANGED me and my life's course. 

I Changed.

Omens are individual language in which God talks to you. My omens are not your omens. They are this strange, but very individual language that guides you toward your own destiny. They are not logical. They talk to your heart directly. The only way you can learn any language is by making mistakes. I made my mistakes, but then I started to connect with the signs that guide me. The silent voice of God that leads me to the places where I should be. – Paulo Coelho, author The Alchemist (an interview by Laura Sheahen, for Beliefnet)

When 2011 spring boarded, I never had any inkling as to what the future entails me. Few days before the New Year, I was jobless.  Like for most part of my life, I gave everything to fate. I deeply surmise that whatever I’ve gone through my career is an experience itself.  They are life lessons I can bring to any path I wish to take.  I know through faith in Him, I can surpass any obstacles. I can be whatever I want to be. I started to fuel my faith by engaging myself to religious creeds and acts. 2011 then is a year to rekindle my faith. It is a time to get serious with God, know Jesus and his miracles, and learn how to be a faithful servant. When I felt I need to do something more, I attended to St. Jude Thaddeus Novena every Thursday, prayed the rosary everyday with lighted candles, visited several churches in the metro and read the bible. I listened fervently to Bible readings and priest’s sermons. I read a lot of religious books and if I felt it was not enough, I meditated in the hopes I can hear God, and be able to listen to what He has to say to me.

In other words, my spiritual consciousness got triggered. It was a year of self-reflection. I asked myself a lot of questions. I started to listen to myself. I looked for answers in my everyday existence. I observed a lot of people. I rekindled my relationship to friends, opened up to them. I sought answers by listening to our priest, by eavesdropping to my parent’s church conversations, by listening to music, by reading gargantuan number of stuff, by watching movies and TVs, by staying at home, and observing our family. Once, I tried reaching out to someone of a born again faith. I ventilated my present tribulations, prayed until tears fell from my eyes. I believed that if I keep my faith, and that I keep on having a healthy relationship with God, everything will just be a breeze. It is on this year, I learned that if I have God as a center of my life, my happiness is infinite. I tried all avenues – including self-taught meditations and learned that spirituality is not only embracing it through your own. Spirituality breeds in relationship with people.  I learned meditation techniques including those of igniting chakras.  It was still not enough and all happened in one year.

2012 ushered in and just with a snap, I halted my religious senses. I had STRONG patience, so I thought. Quickly the reality set in. The irony though, is how slow it has taken me to realize that I’m going nowhere. I suddenly felt the feeling of having a blindfold across a wall. I started to walk, I tried to climb, to run and what I get are contusions from trying to go through the partition. Believe me, it was just hard.

I started to study concepts.I need to shy away from what's depressing. I don’t care how weird it is, but whatever catches my attention and curiosity, I readily set myself into. I started to like something not ordinary. I wanted something new. I wanted something unique. I can’t have a continuous routine. I will just die liking the same things over and over again.  I needed a hero to grab my neck and raise me from suffocation.

It’s when the time I started to learn and appreciate Celtic music.  I took the time to read and study stock markets. I did whatever is not ordinary to some.  It’s also the time I started to question things and despise every mystery of the world. I started to feel the need to find answers to those questions I demand to know. I studied astronomy through documentaries. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME.

The more I seek God, the more I find myself alone and sad. I started to question the fundamentals of religion. What has it brought into my life? I want to find the truth and through reading history and learning from several people, I deduce things that lead me to strong belief against my religion. Just like the twin towers of WTC, my faith in religion came crashing down.  I will never see any organized religion the same way again.

I’m still in the process of fully accepting agnosticism in my life. Since first Sunday of 2012, I never attended any mass. I don't like being associated with any religion.  I can say I’m not searching anymore. I felt inner peace. Surprisingly, my view about my life changed tremendously.  Guilt was erased, and I feel free from the clutches of what people have to say. It’s liberating.  My belief now stems from the fact that the Universe has its own course and that we are affected by it.  I’m not sure what to label it, but for me, it was just fundamentally right to begin with that thought, with that concept. 

Do I still believe in God? I really don’t know. I maybe a freethinker, but a-not-so intelligent type for that matter. I'm in the process of profound reading. 

Just as I was contemplating the Universe, I recently closed a Paolo Coelho book entitled The Alchemist. It was the first time in my entire life to read a book with so much intensity. I felt it was relevant to what I’m going through. It’s a shame to have read it just now.  Nonetheless, I felt overwhelmed at the same time joyous that in my course of finding for a plausible answer in my life’s intricacies, I found one.

Paolo Coehlo is my omen.

Stronger

Stronger

by Mandisa

Hey, heard you were up all night

Thinking about how your world ain't right

And you wonder if things will ever get better

And you're asking why is it always raining on you

When all you want is just a little good news

Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head

It's gonna end

God's right there

Even if it's hard to see Him

I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger

Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't feel Him

I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Dark

It is known truth that both of us has nurtured strong faith in Him. We believe in His omnipotence and His way of delivering His precious gifts and blessings to us. We do away with the thought that despite our kind of relationship, He still loves us and guides us the same way He does with straight couples. He's kind to each and everyone and that's how He will be forever. 

True enough, I've gathered from Mr. Schuller that there are stages in Faith. We come across several challenges that makes us question Him. We doubted His presence. I personally feel He has forgotten me. In this dark moment of my life, I requested for Him to feed my hope. Nimmy prayed for me that I may trounce this depression and bring me to a place where I can make use of my talent. Nimmy told me, "Mahal, we can't be busy together. God said, if that happens, it's going to be difficult for us." He's right. I suddenly felt guilt for thinking that way. I can still remember how Nimmy narrated how God answered him. From then on, we never showed any signs of reluctance not to believe. 

But I'm just human. 

As I write this entry, I am then again feeling the need to be alone, to ostracize myself, rethink and find myself. It's becoming a cycle, it's not that easy, mind you. I despise it. 

No self-help book can rally round yours truly. I'm on the verge of not even trusting myself and my friends. I'm plain weird. 

Just few hours ago, I received a text informing me that my application got pended. Another rejection blown to my face. It's been a year of recollecting myself, trying to think of what else to do and aspire for. Seeing a lot of closed doors has becoming a hobby, I needed to get out. 

I'm in dark. 

Amend

In my own humble ways, when contemplation is not enough for me in trying to digest behavior of people, I try to seek in understanding the culture that is weaving the contemporary society and how it is evolving. I'm a far-cry from any expert or a sociologist. However, my perspicacity enlightened me that it's really not about the powerful people.  It's not about who's weak or oppressed. Not too close in its disparity. But greatly inclined in the way how people live. And this is how I start to analyze my own. 

I'm vulnerable as a victim to any infringement. I live inside a society where laws and statutes are prolific in words, but doesn't hold much dignity and conviction.  This holds a strong foresight to a challenged and shaken justice milieu. I am not alone in the desire to better lives and affluence or anything similar to that nature. Yet right before my eyes, carnage pounces on every corner to either bring food on the table, or fund further atrocities. 

I am PRO Life and deems the rights appended to any human being. 

But I am not alone in this society. What kind of strength should everyone bear to whittle down the termites splurging in and out? When things get into your senses, you feel for those that have crumbled. I feel like just being helpless like those that have suffered. 

And when it seems I get cornered by believing that we live in an irreparable society, the only way I know I can afford for a bail out is clasping both my hands and implore God to deliver a transformation and bestow upon us peace - not just for myself, but for the people who needs it whether they know it or not. 

Guardian Angel

For once in your life, have you wished seeing your guardian angel? The being we all know having wings and a fine-looking face, usually seen on robe and depicted on story books, and descriptions better seen as caricature on Christmas season. Others believed that angels are spirits that sashay on our motions and everyday living.  Others also say that they take the human form sometimes, although this one is less popular. One thing is true though for most, that angels are like protectors from untoward occurrences.

I think I saw my guardian angel in 1992.

I was asked to do errands by mom one day. The task requires me to purchase several stuff for our garments business. At 12, I’m already adept as to where the retail market is from. I already got acquainted to several store owners. In other words, at a young age, I know the “where” and the “how much”.  As I remember that very day, I was talking to a salesperson about a recent purchase and might require some time to complete. I told her that while waiting, I will just have to have my school ID laminated. During that time, our school doesn’t own yet a laminating machine, so students will have to make ways in keeping their school ID in one piece before the school year ends.

I crossed the street, went to the nearby school items store. My ID was returned to me and I got excited how it became so sleek after lamination. A hole was punched and a clip was inserted. I hurriedly crossed the street again to pick up what I have left from the store.

“Ate, kunin ko na yung kahon.”

“Sige, sandali lang.”

On my way to the PUJ station, someone, around 15-16 years old went towards me and placed his heavy hands in my shoulder. He was way taller and bigger than me.

“Putang ina mo, akin na yang pera sa bulsa mo, kundi sasaksakin kita sa tagiliran mo.”

I was completely stunned.  

I can’t even utter any word during that time.

The poor kid, gave in to the coercion and intimidation. Good thing I only had 85 pesos in my pocket. During that time, it can buy you three value meals in McDonalds.

As I don’t know what to do, my instincts just propelled me to walk towards the jeepney station, and ride home without paying the driver. My mind is telling me to cry, and my heartbeat is so fast that I can’t breathe. Tears fell instantly in my eyes. I started to pity myself for being weak.

From a distance, a guy, probably around 20-25 years old actually witnessed the ordeal. He approached me and asked.

“Ok ka lang ba? Wala kang kasama no?”

“Wala po eh…”

And I cried quietly while following him.

“Tara, san ka ba umuuwi? Sumabay ka na sa akin.”

I told him where I live and as I look into his face my eyes got blurred with teardrops.

The guy sat in front of the jeep, near the driver and yours truly went inside and sat near the driver’s back.  I can see from my position the guy and he told the driver what just happened to me.

Up until this point, I can’t remember the guy’s face. But honestly, I really felt his someone I know from a long time. He’s like a relative, an uncle. He paid for the fare, and I sat down, thinking what just happened. I was really shocked. I know he's giving me glances, and mostly pitying me. All throughout the ride, I was just staring at my toes.

I bid goodbye to the guy, and thanked him for shelling out few pesos for me. He smiled and all I felt was profound peace I can’t understand. I know he’s my guardian angel. I’m just so sure about it.

I rushed myself to the house and cried to my mom while telling the story. She got really worried, and never asked me to do the errands for her.

And I never told anyone about that person who helped me.

Fast forward 19 years, I felt the need to blog about him and tell the universe that I’ve experienced a guardian angel’s presence. I can’t thank him enough for helping me get through that experience. On my mind, whether he’s true or not, I’d like to pray for his good soul. You don’t get to witness good deeds a lot, but that experience with him really gave me the strong faith that if you get in such tribulation, there’s always going to be that higher being to help you out. It’s true.

To my guardian angel, I don’t get to pray for you a lot, but tonight, I’d like to offer a short prayer for you.

How about you? Have you experienced the presence of your guardian angel?