Monday, February 13, 2012

I Changed.


Omens are individual language in which God talks to you. My omens are not your omens. They are this strange, but very individual language that guides you toward your own destiny. They are not logical. They talk to your heart directly. The only way you can learn any language is by making mistakes. I made my mistakes, but then I started to connect with the signs that guide me. The silent voice of God that leads me to the places where I should be. – Paulo Coelho, author The Alchemist (an interview by Laura Sheahen, for Beliefnet)

When 2011 spring boarded, I never had any inkling as to what the future entails me. Few days before the New Year, I was jobless.  Like for most part of my life, I gave everything to fate. I deeply surmise that whatever I’ve gone through my career is an experience itself.  They are life lessons I can bring to any path I wish to take.  I know through faith in Him, I can surpass any obstacles. I can be whatever I want to be. I started to fuel my faith by engaging myself to religious creeds and acts. 2011 then is a year to rekindle my faith. It is a time to get serious with God, know Jesus and his miracles, and learn how to be a faithful servant. When I felt I need to do something more, I attended to St. Jude Thaddeus Novena every Thursday, prayed the rosary everyday with lighted candles, visited several churches in the metro and read the bible. I listened fervently to Bible readings and priest’s sermons. I read a lot of religious books and if I felt it was not enough, I meditated in the hopes I can hear God, and be able to listen to what He has to say to me.

In other words, my spiritual consciousness got triggered. It was a year of self-reflection. I asked myself a lot of questions. I started to listen to myself. I looked for answers in my everyday existence. I observed a lot of people. I rekindled my relationship to friends, opened up to them. I sought answers by listening to our priest, by eavesdropping to my parent’s church conversations, by listening to music, by reading gargantuan number of stuff, by watching movies and TVs, by staying at home, and observing our family. Once, I tried reaching out to someone of a born again faith. I ventilated my present tribulations, prayed until tears fell from my eyes. I believed that if I keep my faith, and that I keep on having a healthy relationship with God, everything will just be a breeze. It is on this year, I learned that if I have God as a center of my life, my happiness is infinite. I tried all avenues – including self-taught meditations and learned that spirituality is not only embracing it through your own. Spirituality breeds in relationship with people.  I learned meditation techniques including those of igniting chakras.  It was still not enough and all happened in one year.

2012 ushered in and just with a snap, I halted my religious senses. I had STRONG patience, so I thought. Quickly the reality set in. The irony though, is how slow it has taken me to realize that I’m going nowhere. I suddenly felt the feeling of having a blindfold across a wall. I started to walk, I tried to climb, to run and what I get are contusions from trying to go through the partition. Believe me, it was just hard.

I started to study concepts.I need to shy away from what's depressing. I don’t care how weird it is, but whatever catches my attention and curiosity, I readily set myself into. I started to like something not ordinary. I wanted something new. I wanted something unique. I can’t have a continuous routine. I will just die liking the same things over and over again.  I needed a hero to grab my neck and raise me from suffocation.

It’s when the time I started to learn and appreciate Celtic music.  I took the time to read and study stock markets. I did whatever is not ordinary to some.  It’s also the time I started to question things and despise every mystery of the world. I started to feel the need to find answers to those questions I demand to know. I studied astronomy through documentaries. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME.

The more I seek God, the more I find myself alone and sad. I started to question the fundamentals of religion. What has it brought into my life? I want to find the truth and through reading history and learning from several people, I deduce things that lead me to strong belief against my religion. Just like the twin towers of WTC, my faith in religion came crashing down.  I will never see any organized religion the same way again.

I’m still in the process of fully accepting agnosticism in my life. Since first Sunday of 2012, I never attended any mass. I don't like being associated with any religion.  I can say I’m not searching anymore. I felt inner peace. Surprisingly, my view about my life changed tremendously.  Guilt was erased, and I feel free from the clutches of what people have to say. It’s liberating.  My belief now stems from the fact that the Universe has its own course and that we are affected by it.  I’m not sure what to label it, but for me, it was just fundamentally right to begin with that thought, with that concept. 

Do I still believe in God? I really don’t know. I maybe a freethinker, but a-not-so intelligent type for that matter. I'm in the process of profound reading. 

Just as I was contemplating the Universe, I recently closed a Paolo Coelho book entitled The Alchemist. It was the first time in my entire life to read a book with so much intensity. I felt it was relevant to what I’m going through. It’s a shame to have read it just now.  Nonetheless, I felt overwhelmed at the same time joyous that in my course of finding for a plausible answer in my life’s intricacies, I found one.

Paolo Coehlo is my omen.

22 comments:

  1. When I read the Alchemist, I realized the answer cannot be found in a single religion, and that we are born to find our source.

    The faith is within you. You simply have to recognize it.

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    1. Before I read the Alchemist, it dawned on me that we are to find our spirituality with or without religion. :)

      I sure do have faith Joms, faith on myself, and faith that if Universe brought me to where I am, the Universe can bring me to everywhere I want.

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  2. Leo, it is not just by doing novenas, or doing good deeds or reading spirituality books that you will be able to seek God, I too is in search for him, but we cannot force something to happen right away....,

    But keep in mind that it is not of turning your back to him will help you find yourself,

    if you wish not to hold on to your faith, do so...., if that's what really makes you happy, and also, always think, who was the one who gave you everything that you have right now,

    :)

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    1. On your first point, I didn't say only those - doing novenas or reading spirituality books, if you read enough, I said more than that. :)

      On your second point, I did turn back and found an answer. I'm happier now.

      On your third point, "who was the one who gave me everything?" this blog entry is not to insinuate to my readers or do bring about a debate on the existence of God. i'll also not gonna answer that because if you read again, i'm in the process of profound reading. :)

      Cheers!

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  3. kahit di nagsisimba basta nasa puso mo si God,it's ok. well opinion ko un. :)pero i always me sure to serve God every sunday kasi.

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    1. Thanks Bino, I agree with you. Yun naman talaga gusto ko sabihin. It's not the religion and all those religious acts. Kasi sabi ko nga, it didn't help me.

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  4. Ang lalim nito Leo. Wala na yatang hihigit pa sa self discovery. You start to find meaning of life, Peace,love from with in you and faith in whatever you conceive Him to be. Keep reading libre lang yan.Na Ramdam ko ang kapayaapaan sa puso mo sa post na ito.

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    1. Thank you Diamond R! It's true, I find peace now, more than ever. I'll continue to read and learn myself more. Yun naman talaga ang gusto kong tumbukin. Huling huli mo kaibigan. :)

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  5. "The more I seek God, the more I find myself alone and sad."

    matagal ko na din iniisip yan. my mother was part of a religious community called "beloved of the lord catholic community" bata pa lang ako sinasama na niya ako dun. isa lang napansin ko, bakit sa kabila ng matinding pagmamahal at pagpe-praise kay God mas matitinding problema ang hinaharap nila nung mga members. from then on, naisip kong kung mas malapit ka sa diyos mas matinding problema ang haharapin mo. sori im not against sa mga yan or kinu-kwestyon ko ang faith nila pero masisisi mo ba ako sa observation ko?

    nyway, this one goes for you kasi ako im not really a believer im more of a skeptic one. so ayun, maybe he was just testing you. kung gaano kalakas ang faith mo sa kanya. sabi nila mahal ka ng diyos kaya nararanasan mo yan. pero kung mahal ka talaga ng diyos? eh bakit ka pa niya papahirapan? di ko lang maintindihan and it doesnt make any sense to me. ayan lumabas na naman pagigin skeptic ko.

    sorry haba ng comment ko

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    1. Thanks for the comment Russ. I'm thinking of the same way like you. :)

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  6. one of the Ignatian values that has been running through my mind from time to time---find God in all things :))

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    1. Hello ester. With all due respect, I'm really way pass anything that has something to do with religion or any dogma for that matter. Maybe some of the people that reads my blog maybe able to relate to what you say. As for me, I'm really happy with whatever kind of faith I have. It works for me.

      Cheers!

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  7. This is heartfelt and inspiring. I am this right now - ...I need to shy away from what's depressing. I don’t care how weird it is, but whatever catches my attention and curiosity, I readily set myself into. I started to like something not ordinary. I wanted something new. I wanted something unique. I can’t have a continuous routine. I will just die liking the same things over and over again. I needed a hero to grab my neck and raise me from suffocation.

    Glad you found one in the end.

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    1. Well friend, you have all the time in the world to introspect. I suggest you reading and reaching out to people who have shown spiritual strength, they can inspire you more. Nevertheless, I suggest you reading The Alchemist too!

      Good luck on your journey. :)

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  8. When you search for the truth, there are many things you will encounter along the way that may, perhaps, be seen as the answers to our questions. Reading helps, the more we read, the more we begin to be critical and ask the difficult questions.

    The quality of what we read also matters. Look up Descartes, or Nietzsche or Aquinas, or Augustine. Philosophers and theologians whose works deeply influenced our modern world. I wish you well Leo.

    Kane

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  10. Just to share- I had some concerns with organized religion. At some point, I couldn't reconcile my action of embracing a certain "belief system" that denounces my very "nature" as an "abomination" with the intent of enriching my spirituality. I feel like I'm betraying myself in the process. The deeper I reason with myself, with people around me or with what I see and hear in churches, sermons, cell group ministries, etc., the more I realize I could not rely my spiritual growth upon subjective interpretations of people around me of the Bible. I still seek answers... but now there's a quieter submission to the divine (I still want to believe like it is so). I still talk to God. Only now I open my eyes more intently to find His answers around me. As cliche as it sounds, every now and then, I got my answers. And I call it my personal "Divine Intervention," and I'm the only one who knows. It's as personal as it gets. I like my spirituality that way. :)

    Partly, I think we're on the same pace. Pero, I really admire how you took it on the next level... to really seek for answers through "profound reading." I hope you get yours. Like Paolo Cohoello says, "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." And when you do... share naman d'yan... hehe

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  11. Not related sa post I just wanna say your Youtube videos are hilarious! More!

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  12. Hmm, I'm Catholic but I don't go to church as often as others. I believe in faith. And I also believe that no matter where you are and what you are doing, kahit hindi sa church, when you put God in your heart, He will always be with you! :)


    Kuya Leo I tagged you check this out!

    http://jelai20.blogspot.com/2012/02/eleven-ako-naman-taya.html

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  13. You HAVE to read the Witch of Portobello. If you liked The Alchemist, you'll love that one.

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  14. tagged you on this one. kinda check it out http://mr837.blogspot.com/2012/02/11-questions.html#comment-form

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  15. Totally gives you my ultimate NOD, sabay yuko, luhod harap sa nakabukol- at pray! Ikaw na.. Really nice one buddy. A very very much very very much.. hehehehe

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Comments Are Always Welcome! :)