Passing

In a sudden burst of emotion, all I can say to him was, “Ayoko na.”

Two months have passed and here I am going strong and seemingly have my life figured all up. The decision to call it off steamed from the fact that the relationship no longer serves me. The pang of emotion from two taciturn soul just couldn’t help bridge whatever chaotic situation it resulted. At last I’m free. I’m free to do whatever I want. Afterall, that’s my request. I have to be alone so I can better off myself.

Fast forward two months. I saw how my life unfold from just pursuing my interests without the guilt of having someone feel bad if I go home late. This ardent feeling of independence was addicting and there’s no stopping me at this point.

Until I met someone.

He’s red flag all over. Not the type of person you would like to have serious relationship with.

I got handful of reasons not to pursue this damn feeling. And I’m so proud in saying that I did a good job of not falling to the trap.

Trap. He’s been sending a lot of mixed signals and if I’m that stupid, I could have reacted with confidence and strong assumption that he’s really into me. F*ck.

Lucky me, I don’t have time to process this with utmost urgency and ask him if he feels the same way – or if he has this inkling to pursue me, or whatever. Maybe he felt my indifference, maybe not. You know what, I just don't care anymore. 

I’m done.

Too old for this sh*t to consume my time. Time that I could have used to make myself productive. 

A Comeback (2016 Review Primer)

I am actually supposed to do something for work but I felt this itch coming into my fingers and clicked on my blog. I am surprised to see that my last blog entry was last year. Since then, I have never made any entry for this year. What a shame.

To tell you honestly, I’ve been so occupied with a lot of things for the past few months. Good thing, they were all positive things that came along. There’s nothing to complain about and I think I’ve come into terms that we get both – good and bad in this life. If I were to recollect my past experiences, I think this year, 2016 has been so good to me. I can’t enumerate them all and I reserve them for my own for now.  But here are some of my 2016 highlights.

Work has been so generous to me and I think I’m reaping the hard work and resilience. There are ups and downs, but I’m always ready to celebrate the small wins. Part of me has grown because of the role I have in the company. I’m very privileged to have a very strong team and I’m so proud of their individual contributions. I’m so thankful for my boss and we’ve been good friends. This we found as a good formula for work relationships. We also go by the mantra of “making our people happy.” This ignites passion and keeps our office culture in tact.

In the family front, I’m delighted to have my first niece. Sister and brother-in-law is doing well in New Zealand and parents are there for a six-month vacation. I’m elated seeing my parents enjoy the snow but more importantly, I’m pleased to see their health in full-swing.

Currently, I live alone in a simple house, just a kilometer away from our old abode. Younger brother was tasked to man the old house as we have several pets there. I’m tasked to look after our property in the east of the metro, and I haven’t seen it for four months or so.

Partner and I are still going strong. He’s doing well in his new found love – business. He’ll return to corporate set-up in the next few days in Manila. We’ll live together as we sort out our future. We decided after two years that we take the next step. Our weekly house dating is just getting too short for us. We want to be together all the time. I just have one condition for him – let me do my hobby which is badminton. He’s supportive and I think it’ll never be an issue to us.

You see, despite the negativity we see in our world nowadays, I think it’s paramount for us to look on the small good things coming our way. I bet challenges will always be there, it’s part of the normalcy. One question I asked when I was in China, should we waste time in overthinking instead of contemplating how we can better ourselves and our future? I observed other countries whose people has been passionate in their own craft. They simplify, excel, inspire, they progress. I went home with that lesson in mind. 

As I move forward to another year, my fervent hope is for the people around me to feel good about themselves and start to experience growth. I was stagnant before but it takes a mindset to really change my situation. 

If I can, I’m sure you will, too.

A-Not-So Blogging Comeback

I stumbled upon Ceiboh’s recent blog entry and made me realize the same point he delivered, a comeback in blogging.

I don’t know. It’s been like 5 or 6 years from the time I blogged. The ultimate aim was just really to share stories, experiences and to document anything I feel like putting out here. As I try to relive those days where I write random stuff about love and other noteworthy ventures, I wonder what inspired me, to be honest. While I know my aim, I can’t help but get motivation from the engagement and interactions I get from blogging. It was fun and people were generally appreciative.

Most of the bloggers I know are into Twitter. Micro-blogging may have killed the blogging hobby, but I still think that blogging is completely separate from expressing mental farts, to scientific discoveries, arts, video blogging and all other platforms where you express, rant or just plainly show-off.

A lot of things have changed and mostly have infused themselves as how technology moves. Just observe how Apple technology changed the game with how we produce output at work, arts, gaming and all other things you can imagine. It’s just that crazy.

Just like snail mail, I think personal blogging should not be deterred by how we use technology in expressing and documenting our lives. Where everything now is a free-flow, the more I think that we must explain ourselves and put more color to our thoughts and feelings. We have all the technology to engage and share, what we need right now, is the passion to really connect and tell our stories with a little bit of play of words and not just turn everything visual and one-liners. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that we should elicit exchange of significant thoughts than to invite miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Do I have the time to go back to this piece of junk? Well, hell yeah. My life might have been a bore for the last three years, I am still thankful that I’m still learning a few and I’d like to share some of these things in my blog. Things changed and I know it’s a cliché. I still never outgrown my desire to really write, share and inspire others, especially those who have known me through this blog and those that I made friends with.

Just few updates about me. I’m happy with my current partner right now. We’re currently on our 16^th months and things are looking brighter for both of us. Work is tough, and is getting tougher. I work in a BPO but I’m now more than a year in the morning shift. I got a small team, but I get the fulfillment with how strong, independent and competent my team is. Family is great. Sister has already stayed in New Zealand for more than a year. We have plans of visiting her next year. I put on hold my plan of working in NZ, but I’m not closing doors and I still would want to migrate if given the chance. I started to go out again and meeting new friends has given me a new perspective in life. I lagged behind badminton, but I’m starting to pick-up on this activity since last week. I’m now staying in a new house in San Jose Del Monte Bulacan, and Bamba (my Nissan Navara pickup) is still my best companion in travels, most recent long-drive of which is Baguio. I have plans of doing video-blogs again! But I might postpone until next year, as I migrate to a new country. *fingers-crossed*

Oh life. It goes on. At my age where people think I got it all together, I think I’m in a perpetual stage of planning and really just living each day at a time. I’ve no regrets. And to my span of influence, may we all find our happiness in our journeys. 

Love Found Us

Earlier that year, I was like in a limbo hovering from one place to the other. I was in a constant search for that one person. I don’t know why, but I guess part of my DNA is the sheer passion to be with someone. My center and peace of mind revolves around the fact that I was born to love and be loved. When one can construe this a mere dependence to someone, others find this a sign of weakness and a depiction of one “hopeless romantic” micro-organism of the entire universe. Well, a news for myself, I am that person, and I don’t intend to put a stop until I find him. I guess I was never really born alone or single. It’s just not my story.

My happiness is not really finding the perfect guy that society conspicuously dictates in so many forms of platform. It’s not even in the chase. I came to conclude one day that my happiness is simply finding a person who I can love, spend the rest of my life and just open up my life so he can love me back.

Easy? Definitely not.

Finding a partner in life is like looking for a dream job. You go on dates like it’s an interview process, you go on several dates – which is like an on the job training. Come to think of it, relationship starts to be like a job and ends up being a career. Why? Because you start by doing your job as a partner, and as time goes by, you build your life and your choices based on the relationship, just like a career.

However, I dug deeper, I feel that relationships should be taken as separate entities. Your discipline in the work is something you do not apply in your love one. And when I say discipline, it’s the corporate management where you document disciplinary measures and instill progressive programs. Same goes for love-relationships, you do not kiss and hug after a terrible fight at work. Needless to say, that’s very awkward.

My contention really is this, finding your love of your life is seeking not your happiness, but the happiness of the person you've chosen to love for the rest of your life. Along the way, if your happiness and his happiness dances in unison, count not the years of togetherness because years become irrelevant for two people who signed contracts in their hearts, it’s more binding than a piece of paper.

As I aged, I realized that success for the youth are the people that have accumulated wealth over the years. In my age right now, it still applies. But as I grow older, I reckon my success is measured by how my partner reminisce the moments we shared - the problems we have solved, the laughter that made us forget, the people who we've helped, the effort we put just to see each other, how we smelled each other’s neck, how we finish the food in our plates, sharing popcorn and soda while watching a movie, the warm hug before we fall asleep, and so many others.

In our age right now, where we are busy with our own careers and realizing our dreams, I can’t help but think about my future with him. Relationship for me is not complete if we don’t share those dreams together. While I may get support and validation from my family and friends, I find my partner’s perspective a little bit over the notch than anyone else. After all, I feel that what is given by my partner is more than a validation.

I thank the universe for trusting me to love again. I am happy that I've found peace and serenity knowing that a person have seen beyond my imperfection and just accepted me for who I am. And I think the secret is just doing the same, loving the person beyond the imperfection and accepting them for who they are. 

Barakos Conquered South

It was a great day for a road trip to the beach. Sun was not as hot during summer, not as wet during rainy season. The night before, Honey was already headed to our home from Pampanga. I picked him up in the nearby mall. Hold his left hand while I drive.

I was thinking of the things that have transpired prior this weekend get-away with the Barakos. To name a few, these were the hell week in the office, that holiday rush, that awesome chat with Japs on our way to pick up Louie at the airport, the arrival of my best friend from the US after his 6 months business trip, my crazy moments at home, chat with sis in NZ, meeting a new friend Kisha, and a whole lot more. It was a roller coaster ride with considerable ups and momentary downs.

Three highlights from our trip to Batangas - sharing session in the bonfire, the funny "exhaust" game, and the friendship that no matter how cheesy we get, we define and live the meaning of it now to a whole new level. 

with Bestfriend Louie

Fresh Louie! 

Sunrise in Batangas

trying Beach Volleyball with sporty Babit, Nate and Nikki

the annoying forced selfie of bestfriend in my phone. 

meditation on top of a rock formation

me loves

the very posh Natey Perry

C5

the obligatory groufie

The year 2014 was a challenging year, for work and relationships. What a better way to end this year than to celebrate with loved ones and close friends! The trip was long but I can say that this is the most fun I had for as long as I can remember. 

Cheers. 

Initium

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share. 

For a life-time.

Cheers.

Begin Again

It was just another day for me when all of a sudden someone was pinging me, inquiring about my email address. I was thinking of which one to give as I've thought he will drop his resume and apply to our company. Never did I expect I'll receive a very pleasant surprise. 

Leo,

I need to tell you something. I told you that I was inspired by your blog to write an entry for my own blog same way as you did. And I thank you because it serves as an outlet for me to pour out my emotions and feelings of longing for my better half. But one thing you need to know, as I write down every words of that letter, I think about you because I really like you. I don't know your whole personality, we don't met in person and I never heard your voice before, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, that I like you since I saw your profile on chat app. The moment I saw your bearded face with a sweet smile, I told to myself that this guy is so appealing to me. As we go along knowing some details of each other's life, the level of attraction I had on you continually increases.

I believe that being attracted to you is not my choice, it is instant and I can't control. But liking you after being attracted to you is my choice. I chose to like you because I think our hands fit together, I think that you're my missing puzzle piece, that I'll be more happy when I'm with you. But I've got no evidence for that, I've got no proof that we can sing the same song. Our lives differ from one another, you're in the city I'm in the province, you're almost at the peek of your career and I'm just a beginner in my career, you've got a lot of experience in relationship and I've got none, your real personality is all out in public and mine is not. At the back of my mind, I think I'm not your type and I'm not your ideal guy. Honestly, I'm afraid to be rejected, and I think all of us don't like that feeling. But I'll take the risk that I might be knocking on the wrong door. At least I've got the opportunity to know you and be your friend.

The reason why I send this letter to you, is for you to know that there's someone, somewhere here in Bulacan, appreciates your existence, your kindness, your intelligence, your  stories, your beauty from inside and out, your creativity and lastly, your beard and mustache. Probably you're laughing while reading this message, thinking that I'm out of my mind or it's just a result of my immaturity, but, as I told you I've never been in any relationship and never been a suitor to anyone. So I don't know what to do. This is the only way I know to catch your attention, for you to know my feelings and to know that I'm very serious to you. For now, I can't afford to ask you for a date, so this letter is my only chance to show and prove to you that I really like you.

Leo, I like you! That's all, thanks!

-E.P

After the dating fiasco I recently had, this act of confession diluted the hurt and was replaced by reactions like,

“No, this can’t be happening…”

“Is he serious?”

“Wow, he can write well!”

“Oh my, what have I done to him?”

“Awww, that is cute!!! Why me?”

Why me?

Then with a knee-jerk impulse I answered, “WHY NOT.”

After all that has transpired during the past few days, I can’t help but question my capacity to be loved again. That spark of hope I was talking about in the recent blog entry got watered like a plant. It was ignited like a fire on its minute phase. He made me feel important, but more than anything else, he made me feel that I deserve another chance.

I admire him for taking the risk. I can see myself in him that I, like him has the propensity to take risk and be straightforward enough when it’s needed. It’s admirable for a guy to put that effort. For when I stopped to chase, someone was willing to stand up and care to volunteer. Someone is confessing to me. Someone is pouring all his heart out, word per word. I mean, in my lifetime, I've only experienced this in few occasions.

I’m not sure where this would lead. But I sure do hope that this time, it’ll be sweeter.

It’ll be sweeter. 

Single Musings

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day.  So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish.  However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine, I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do, every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference.  In fact, I never have to out myself to my parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends? The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about me… well, lately.  Honestly, Barakos (someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on” chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love them. 

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly, they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.

This was also a year of unending blessings from the universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know, those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon.  Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.” This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single and being in a relationship.  

Whatever the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

I’m ok.

Thank You 2013

It has been a year of ups and downs, but mostly happy stories this 2013. I’m happy to recount some of the highlights, stories and lessons of this year and how it impacted the way I view things now.  Indeed, I’m thankful for the blessings and love manifested by the universe. I’m thankful that for this year, I got to have more control of my life and steered it on the way I want it to be. Thanks to people who shared their time, to the friends who never left me on my own battles, to my family who've always been with me. 

January

• First time to experience tollgate (NLEX). Went to Tagaytay with ex to celebrate his 27th birthday. It was a thrilling experience, something very new to me. But honestly, I’m intimidated by how other people can tackle the road flawlessly. I survived my first bout in the most famous national road of the country. I arrived in Tagaytay in one piece.

• The month where I started planning out New Zealand migration.

February

• Few days after Valentines, he broke up with me. I cried for few days and was ready to move on after several weeks.

• The months where I averaged 15 hours a day at work

March

• Dated the following: a Twitter personality, someone I met in PR, someone in Grindr, a policeman and some more

• Work started to be very demanding. Still averaging 15 hours a day at work

April

• Attended one of my supervisor's wedding in Pampanga. Conquered SLEX this time.

May

• Scheduled my meeting with NZ immigration consultant

June

• My sister got diagnosed with Viral Encephalitis. One of the most dramatic episodes of my life.

• Cancelled my plan to migrate to NZ due to high expenses in the hospital

July

• Seriously planned on buying a pick-up

August

• One of the best months in the office. Site’s performance exceeded all other vendors

September

• Planned my birthday in Palawan with my sister

October

• Went to Palawan with Sis. Enjoyed every moment of this vacation

• Got featured in damuhan.com, thanks again to my friend, Bino

• Bought Bamba, my Nissan Navara pick-up (picture above)

• Went to Subic to visit our US Navy cousin

• Went to Tagaytay with the closest friends in the online world – the Barakos

November

• Most emotional month of all the months. There were moments I got depressed because of the feeling of emptiness

• Sis’ boyfriend came home from New Zealand to have a vacation. It was my first time to drive to the international airport to pick-up someone. 

December

• Busiest month of the year

• Experienced for the first time manila's theme park – Star City

• Went to Puerto Galera, got drunk on one of the weekends and met a guy who sat beside me on the beach

• Went to Tagaytay with Arvin, my co-soundcloud artist. Hmmm, I know right.

• Attended a family reunion for the first time

The universe has blessed me with a lot of human interactions, failures which ended up to be valuable lessons in life. Here are some of the key thoughts I remember for 2013: 

• That everything happens for a reason. The plans that did not materialize, just like the plan to migrate might not or will not be good for me.  Or is not yet time.

• Breaking-up is not bad after all. You get to learn more of yourself after being hurt. It’s also a test of how you can endure temporary pain. That moving on is the most important facet.

• Friends are the people who are there for you when you are down, not when there is just booze and some party going on.

• That having a boyfriend is cool. But being rich is cooler. Just kidding

• If you are single, you will be sad once in a while

• Having a relationship will never define you. It should not be the end-all or be-all

• It’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship

• Pursue happiness, and enjoy while doing it

• Never leave your friends behind

• Generosity, thankfulness, deep gratitude and paying it forward

• “What others do to you is their karma, how you react, is yours.”

• Love your work, and work will love you back, ten-folds

With just a few days, we will welcome 2014. I just hope that the universe continue to bless me with wisdom. But above all, peace and serenity in my heart - comfort that whatever happens in my life, I got all the things I need and that my dreams are just in the palm of my hands. 

To prosperity and beyond. 

Cheers. 

My Blog Got Featured in damuhan.com!

This is the first time that I get to be interviewed by a certified blogger and be put on a hotseat! 

Thanks to a very good friend, Bino of damuhan.com for making me the blogger of the month of October. I'd be forever grateful for the opportunity to share my stories and insights. I super enjoyed it.

If you want to read the full article, kindly click here. 

To You

To My Future Half,

I wonder if you are still in existence. For I am not sure if I will continue my life in solitude or together we weave our love story. I wonder if you are just out there living your own life, doing your usual grind or in the arms of your lover. I sometimes think if we will still see each other, cross our paths or should I just wallow in the thoughts that you are no longer to happen. That you actually do not exist. That I am just a fool. 

Quite frankly, I am losing patience. Not in a desperate type of way, but I just can't help but think that you are just out there. That you might be someone living in my circle, someone I met in the past, someone I get to interact online, or someone that have gone astray. I am losing patience in myself because the more I control my feelings, the more I see myself clamoring for your attention. Then again, the sad part is, I don't know who you are. Or I know you, but I am afraid to take that step believing that we don't sing the same song. I hope I am wrong and it is not too late.

Let me put this all out. 

You know, in my dreams I see you as someone that complements my crazy life. In my randomness, there you are arranging my elements. For in my authoritative way, you harmonize and make me do things in unison to yours. That in my character you add shades I've never set my eyes and heart upon before, because you just can. You just simply can.

If you are someone I have chance upon in the past, I am sorry for not paying attention. My heart belongs to someone that time. Now that I am free, I was indeed wrong to assume that maybe, it's our time now. I am still waiting. Because until we fall in each other's arms, I will feel that longingness. It does linger until now, and it pains me tremendously, that you are still not in my reality.

It takes time. I should wait. I should be patient. Believe me, I understand and I am patient.

As I wait for you my future half, I am making myself busy preparing for your coming. For when our time comes, I want you to be proud of me. I don't want you to feel I am just an average person not worthy of your time, trust and affection. I hope that despite my shortcomings, you will still have faith in me. We want us to be strong. We want us to define stability and maturity. Your happiness is my happiness. I want us to laugh together. Meet our families and friends. That we are intimate not because it is our responsibility, but because it is nothing but normalcy. There are times we will argue, but we will stick with each other no matter what, because on our hearts, that's the right thing to do. When the time comes I am prepared, I believe you will come along. You will come along.

To you I will devote my life. Strong words, though we know it is the fundamental for both. Serious, but that it is how it should be. Because what is the sense of relationship if it just flows and exist on fooling around. Let's leave that to those who aspires for a miserable life. 

I can't wait for this moment. I can see ourselves planning our lives together, travelling and trying all sorts of things and eating. At our confines I can imagine your scent, your soft caress and the way your fingers pinch my fingers. I can't wait to lay my head to your shoulders, or kiss your forehead tenderly while you look sleepy. I can't wait to see you sleeping beside me and on those moments I realize how lucky I am to have you FINALLY.

Love, 

Leo

So The Love Story Ends

It’s about time that I tell the story behind the heartrending tweets. It’s almost four weeks, and today should have been another month added to six years. Few more, we could have turned seven. But all stories, even the good ones, must come to an end.

Nimmy and I broke up.

He threw the towel and all I can do is yield.  No words can describe the feeling during that day, when all I thought, this can never happen.  As I try to look back and reflect on my past actions, I’m torn between thinking I was never enough or we are never in unison in our last months as partners. I was like playing the wrong tune and was playing the music out in the orchestra. I’m left out, or I left him out. We’re doing it differently, when it shouldn't be.

The sad part I guess is that I kept closed ears, and blocked the senses of the heart.  When all is falling apart, I was blinded in my optimistic view about relationship and our future. When perhaps he was crying in pain, I was there fighting my own battle in life. When perhaps I was alone and tired, he was there, he's turn to fight his own battle. That shouldn't be the case when for all the experiences I have, I should have seen it coming, and could have done something. I may have the instinct on things, but I decided to ignore and go with the flow. For I’m faced with the idea and vision of love and eternal. My vision was joy, but together, it was not.

Perhaps people reading this and have experienced broken-hearted, may relate to the pain I’m going through. It pains me too, that he’s going through the same.  But I know he is that strong because he was able to call it out on me. It was not an easy task, however I know that he’s happy in his decision. I believe it was the best for us, and I support him all throughout.

And life has to move on…

I have a career to take care of, plans to carry out, and my family who’s been very supportive in all my endeavors. Despite the many failed relationships they have witnessed, they are still there to support. I guess it was just for me to re-learn the values of love in the family. It’s a learning process, and I know that life will eventually unfold to me on greater heights. This situation also made me realize who true friends are.  To those, thanks for listening to me. The wisdom never failed me, that in times of trouble and grief, only few friends will be there to console. I’m thankful for those who understood us, and for those people who never left him. I still care for him, for I know I can survive alone.

I remember the things I learned in The Alchemist. That this relationship may have been a Personal Legend that I have achieved, one should not be discouraged to find another Personal Legend. The heart should move on, the same way that we want to discover ourselves.

As for Nimmy, I know he’s still young and I know he’ll go places. He’s smart, and he’s destined to be whatever he wants to be. I’m proud of him and I’m forever thankful for his kindness and love.

There are so many things going on in my mind, and I hope thoughts will settle soon in the form of plans and actions. I’m positive things will work out just fine. It better be.

As I try to find myself, I hope that the Universe trust me to love again soon.

Reborn

I was thinking of something to write after the last blog entry I had last August. It’s been two months and I kind of left the blogging world for a period of time. When I think about it, I felt there’s nothing significant happening in my life. Irony is, I’ve been very busy with my career  and personal life– typical alibi for someone who’s been procrastinating in a certain hobby that is blogging. Truth of the matter is, I’ve been wanting to do a video blog. But by just thinking on the relentless hours you pour towards this activity, I’d rather just take those hours to recuperate from the stressful world of the BPO.

I was in Boracay previous to this weekend, to celebrate my 32^nd.  You know, for someone like me, you will seldom get to celebrate birthdays out of town. I was the conventional celebrant not until 2010 when I got to celebrate it outside the confines of our home. 2011 was an all throughout different story. But 2012 has been the far most exciting of all the birthdays. One, I was in the beach. Two, I was with Nimmy all day long.

It was also the time I get to reflect on my past goals in life and realign them to what’s pressing and pragmatic. You see, I’m a person who would really want to dream and achieve BIG. It’s a cycle I’ll never get tired of. There have been a lot of bumps along the way and I learned to move on and control frustrations. Signs of getting old I guess.

2012 was a change/leap of faith and so far I’ve been reaping the fruits this year. At the age of 32, I just feel that my journey has been a blast. I may not be as successful like the others in terms of their career and wealth however, I feel that my experience in life has really given me a deeper understanding of myself and it made me more content as to who I am, and what I am capable of. As the cliché goes, “Age is just a number.” And I agree, there’s nothing young or old in terms of knowing your niche. I say this in terms of knowing what you really want or your purpose in life. I personally think it’s in your pattern – your destiny.  Your choice affects the journey but at the end of it all, it brings you to your fate.

I learned from my vacation who, what, where, when to PRIORITIZE. I reflected on things but I think that is too personal to share in this blog. One important thing though, is that I’m really HAPPY. Thanks to the relationship I currently have with Nimmy, and the career I honestly feel I deserve. Along the way, people come and go in my life, I hope in some ways I was able to bring value and inspiration to them.  We get wiser when we meet and learn from people and I really hope I did my share.

Thanks to all the birthday greetings I got from Facebook, Twitter, BBM and text messages! It’s nice hearing from people I didn’t get to talk to all the time. I appreciate all the gestures. Yes, I’m 32, but I really do feel more auspicious chapters will unveil soon. I’m excited for the years ahead for the breakthroughs and milestones I’m claiming as early as now.

I end with the parting words that dawned on me on our flight from Kalibo to Manila -"Life is not good all the time, but that what makes the journey worthwhile."