Passing

In a sudden burst of emotion, all I can say to him was, “Ayoko na.”

Two months have passed and here I am going strong and seemingly have my life figured all up. The decision to call it off steamed from the fact that the relationship no longer serves me. The pang of emotion from two taciturn soul just couldn’t help bridge whatever chaotic situation it resulted. At last I’m free. I’m free to do whatever I want. Afterall, that’s my request. I have to be alone so I can better off myself.

Fast forward two months. I saw how my life unfold from just pursuing my interests without the guilt of having someone feel bad if I go home late. This ardent feeling of independence was addicting and there’s no stopping me at this point.

Until I met someone.

He’s red flag all over. Not the type of person you would like to have serious relationship with.

I got handful of reasons not to pursue this damn feeling. And I’m so proud in saying that I did a good job of not falling to the trap.

Trap. He’s been sending a lot of mixed signals and if I’m that stupid, I could have reacted with confidence and strong assumption that he’s really into me. F*ck.

Lucky me, I don’t have time to process this with utmost urgency and ask him if he feels the same way – or if he has this inkling to pursue me, or whatever. Maybe he felt my indifference, maybe not. You know what, I just don't care anymore. 

I’m done.

Too old for this sh*t to consume my time. Time that I could have used to make myself productive. 

Bakit Wala Ka Pang Jowa Bes

Sa Twitter. ‘Yan ang lugar kung saan ko madalas mapansin ang mga taong malungkot, masaya or kung ano ano pang hanash nila meron sa life. Diyan rin madalas mapukaw ang atensiyon ko sa mga taong nangangailagan ng kalinga at pang-unawa dahil sa mga pinagdadaanan nila sa life, lalo na kung mag-isa sila sa buhay. Hirap maging single baks eh. 

Maraming paandar sa Twitter. Sila yung mga gustong mapansin. Meron naming mga artists na kung ano anong sh*t in life ang gustong ipamalas. Nakakatawa. Pero madalas, nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa kanila. Kumbaga, relate si gaga lalo na nung single ako. Pansin ko nga, sa kada tweet nila, may fragment sa alaala ko na naging ganun din ako minsan sa buhay. Example, ung mga hanash nila na “Ok naman pala maging single. Daming pwedeng gawin.” Take note sa operative word – single. Siempre, ikukuda mo na single ka, para try lang na mapatibong mo si crush. So I think, let’s start there. Isa-isahin natin ang mga dahilan kung bakit kaya sila single, ayon sa general tweets nila baks. Pawang obserbasyon lang. Hindi ako hihingi ng certificate sa Philippine Mental Health Institute (not sure if this even exist), para sa mga ‘to. Natuwa lang ako sa topic. 

May pake ako kung masaktan kayo kung matamaan kayo, so please comment away! Try niyong i-defend ang kagagahan niyo. Charot lang mars. Malamang matawa lang ako at hindi ko kayo seryosohin. 

So ito ang mga dahilan kung bakit single si baks:

1. Hindi mo pa naranasan ang long-term relationship. Malamang, kaya ka nga single until now. Pero ang gusto ko lang i-point out, baka naman hindi mo na na-feel gumawa ng effort na pahabain ang relasyon mo. Isang root-cause nito ay ang ex mo ay hindi rin nakaranas ng long-term relationship. So ngayon, nga-nga ka. Try ka pa rin ng try magkajowa. Nagkakajowa ka naman pero matagal na ang isang buwan. Pero happy ako kasi nakaya mo naman. Try lang ulit. Malay mo yung next ay swak na. Pero I doubt. Haha! 

2. Dami mong arte. I-define lang natin ung arte. Ma-arte para sa akin ung taong close-minded. Gusto ganito lang, at kapag nag-deviate ka, di na niya feel. Taas ng standard sa ibang tao, pero di naman niya ma-meet sarili niyang standard. Kung ikaw ito, galingan mo pa baks. Taasan mo pa standards mo. I know it’s worth the wait. Lalo na kung 45 years old ka na. Kalansay ka na, naghahanap ka pa rin ng makakasama sa kweba. 

3. Hindi Ka Marunong Gumamit ng Social Media. Alam ko marunong ka mag-login at magcomment and all that sh*t. Pero naman kasi, puro ka kanegahan, or masyado kang ma-arte (please refer to number 2). Try mong maging genuinely na mabait. Meron kasing iba na mabait naman talaga, pero may bait-baitan. Yung mga bait-baitan, ayun, maraming pekeng kaibigan. Try mong gamitin ang Social Media to reach out, learn new things, be genuinely interested sa mga tao. Understand them. Charot. Don’t understand them. Effort ka pa. 

4. Sorry ha, pero baka kasi hindi ka maganda. Alam ko naman na ang kagandahan ay subjective. It’s in the eye of the beholder at kung ano ano pang sh*t. Pero baks, kahit mataas ang confidence mo, kung hindi ka gustuhin, eh hindi ka talaga gustuhin. Try mong i-divert sa ibang bagay. Try mong maging tunay na matalino. Hindi yung google google lang baks. Try mong ayusin ung pakikipag-usap mo. Try mong maging sincere. Pero kung hindi talaga, try mo na muna pa-diamond peel, ayusin mo rin sarili mo. Paano magkakagusto sa yo si crush, hindi ka niya maiintroduce sa mga friends niya, kasi nga, paka-chaka mo. Effort din. May mga kaibigan akong panget dati, pero nagawan ng paraan. Try mo makinig sa mga payo ng friends mo na magpaderma or magpalit ng wardrobe. 

5. Hindi Mo Kilala Sarili Mo. Pansin ko ‘to sa Twitter. Walang trend sa mga sinasabi. Or kung may trend man, pasok sa reasons 1-4. Passé man, pero be yourself. Ano ba gusto mo talaga sa life mo? Gusto mo bang maging dancer? Isang businessman? Poet? Construction Worker? Baker? Show your consistent self. Hindi kung ano-anong kagagahan. Most likely, guys would like someone consistent, or nageevolve ng onti-onti. Which leads me to – 

6. Evolve – gaga, hindi ka butterfly. Pero sana magevolve yung ugali mo, or mag-grow ka as a person. Hindi yung isang taon na, lasengga ka pa rin. Isang taon na, puro ka SEB. Isang taon na, pakatanga mo pa rin sa ex mo. Isang taon na, hilig mo pa rin mang-bash, eh hindi ka naman maganda. 

7. Takot ka magmahal. Love is a risk worth taking. Wala namang tanga na nagmamahal to begin with. Tanga lang kapag naperahan ka na or nanakawan ka na, mahal mo pa rin. Takot ka kasi baka mareject ka. Sa totoo lang, sino ba gusto mareject. Pero kasi girl, kung hindi ka marereject, paano mo malalaman kung may pag-asa ka. Si madam Auring ka ba na huhulaan lang ang feelings ni crush. Abay gaga ka nga. 

8. Choosy ka masyado. Iba to sa #2. Kapag choosy ka, ibig sabihin nun marami kang choices. Tapos yung choices mo in life, sobrang poor. Example, crush na ng crush mo. Pero ate, choosy ka sa lugar, pagkain, at kung ano anong activities. Ayaw mo mag-adjust sa kasama mo, kasi ang taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Wag ka na magjowa. Love Yourself, sabi nga ni Justin Bieber

9. Tamad ka. Having a relationship take some effort. Maghatid, meet-up, magtext and all that shibambamboom. Pero since tamad ka at madalas ka tulog sa kangkungan, eh nabobore ang mga ka-date mo. You know how to change this. Matanda ka na baks.

10. You don’t have much friends. Quality over quantity to mamshie. Check mo, ilan ba ang mga friends mo from high school. Yung level na mauutangan mo. Kung more than 5 yan, well, congratulation, pang-friendship material ka lang. Hahaha, mejo magulo. Pero you know what I mean, I hope. 

11. Eto na, final na. Napapagod na ako. Last reason is… malandi ka bez. Hindi ka pwede makipagjowa kung saksakan ka ng flirt. Kahit open si partner sa ganyan, may saturation period yan. Kaya in the end, either short-term relationship ka lang, or talagang single ka for life kasi ang kati mo baks. Kasing kati mo yung dagta ng gabi at dinurog na buhok ng higad. 

So ayun na nga. Daming kuda. I’m not a relationship guru, but these are just some of the things I’ve observed in my 29 years of existence. Charot sa 29. In the greater scheme of things, ang importante naman ay masaya ka kung single or may partner ka. And by masaya, I mean, ito yung estado na nagagawa mo ang gusto mo na ayon sa puso mo at kuntento ka sa mga pangangailangan mo bilang babae or feeling babae, whichever is appropriate. At kung wala sa estado na yun, pwede ba, kumuda ka na lang ng mga bagay na tingin mo HINDI makakaapekto ng masama sa iba. In short, be considerate. Be mature enough to understand na hindi man ito ang gusto mo, darating din ang panahon na aayon din ang lahat sa kagustuhan mo. Cheka. Maganda ka ba?

A Comeback (2016 Review Primer)

I am actually supposed to do something for work but I felt this itch coming into my fingers and clicked on my blog. I am surprised to see that my last blog entry was last year. Since then, I have never made any entry for this year. What a shame.

To tell you honestly, I’ve been so occupied with a lot of things for the past few months. Good thing, they were all positive things that came along. There’s nothing to complain about and I think I’ve come into terms that we get both – good and bad in this life. If I were to recollect my past experiences, I think this year, 2016 has been so good to me. I can’t enumerate them all and I reserve them for my own for now.  But here are some of my 2016 highlights.

Work has been so generous to me and I think I’m reaping the hard work and resilience. There are ups and downs, but I’m always ready to celebrate the small wins. Part of me has grown because of the role I have in the company. I’m very privileged to have a very strong team and I’m so proud of their individual contributions. I’m so thankful for my boss and we’ve been good friends. This we found as a good formula for work relationships. We also go by the mantra of “making our people happy.” This ignites passion and keeps our office culture in tact.

In the family front, I’m delighted to have my first niece. Sister and brother-in-law is doing well in New Zealand and parents are there for a six-month vacation. I’m elated seeing my parents enjoy the snow but more importantly, I’m pleased to see their health in full-swing.

Currently, I live alone in a simple house, just a kilometer away from our old abode. Younger brother was tasked to man the old house as we have several pets there. I’m tasked to look after our property in the east of the metro, and I haven’t seen it for four months or so.

Partner and I are still going strong. He’s doing well in his new found love – business. He’ll return to corporate set-up in the next few days in Manila. We’ll live together as we sort out our future. We decided after two years that we take the next step. Our weekly house dating is just getting too short for us. We want to be together all the time. I just have one condition for him – let me do my hobby which is badminton. He’s supportive and I think it’ll never be an issue to us.

You see, despite the negativity we see in our world nowadays, I think it’s paramount for us to look on the small good things coming our way. I bet challenges will always be there, it’s part of the normalcy. One question I asked when I was in China, should we waste time in overthinking instead of contemplating how we can better ourselves and our future? I observed other countries whose people has been passionate in their own craft. They simplify, excel, inspire, they progress. I went home with that lesson in mind. 

As I move forward to another year, my fervent hope is for the people around me to feel good about themselves and start to experience growth. I was stagnant before but it takes a mindset to really change my situation. 

If I can, I’m sure you will, too.

Leo The Dora, No!

Allow me to rave on my recent weekend.

So Friday after shift, I went straight to Clark Pampanga to see Jason, Mark and Archie. Jason and I just recently became friends through Twitter and Mark and my Covet friends used to hang-out. It was something unplanned. We just thought of just having dinner and coffee until midnight. I came in earlier than the agreed time as I still have to join a meeting for the new account I will working on. I just stayed on a coffee shop and did people watching once in a while. Jason arrived and we chit-chatted while we wait for Archie and Mark. After both arrived, we went straight to Koko Buri, a very nice restaurant in Clark. We went to Café Mesa afterwards and we were treated with a cozy place and very delicious hazelnut coffee. After coffee, we head on to Jason’s hotel in San Fernando, then back to Dau to drop off Mark as he needs to go home to Tarlac. Me and honey just stayed in a very cute place in Mabalacat, had breakfast, and I went back to Manila that morning. Saturday afternoon, I need to travel back up north – this time, Pulilan, Bulacan. One of my staff member, just inaugurated their family’s new commercial building. It was an awesome celebration with food, red wine and some videoke. It was fun. Chinese red wine was something that stuck in my mind. I got home minutes after midnight.

I don’t know what is going on. I’ve been going out this month, and I’m not complaining. Driving is fun in NLEX but going to NLEX is just a totally different story. Expressways are the coolest, but metro manila roads are not so friendly.

Sunday, I got my dental braces removed. Yahoo, I’m totally free of braces after three years. It just feel so weird though.

Now, it’s Monday once more.

We oftentimes dread this day. It’s the start of the week where we mentally and physically need to prepare.

And I really don’t know what else to say.

I’m tired. 

A-Not-So Blogging Comeback

I stumbled upon Ceiboh’s recent blog entry and made me realize the same point he delivered, a comeback in blogging.

I don’t know. It’s been like 5 or 6 years from the time I blogged. The ultimate aim was just really to share stories, experiences and to document anything I feel like putting out here. As I try to relive those days where I write random stuff about love and other noteworthy ventures, I wonder what inspired me, to be honest. While I know my aim, I can’t help but get motivation from the engagement and interactions I get from blogging. It was fun and people were generally appreciative.

Most of the bloggers I know are into Twitter. Micro-blogging may have killed the blogging hobby, but I still think that blogging is completely separate from expressing mental farts, to scientific discoveries, arts, video blogging and all other platforms where you express, rant or just plainly show-off.

A lot of things have changed and mostly have infused themselves as how technology moves. Just observe how Apple technology changed the game with how we produce output at work, arts, gaming and all other things you can imagine. It’s just that crazy.

Just like snail mail, I think personal blogging should not be deterred by how we use technology in expressing and documenting our lives. Where everything now is a free-flow, the more I think that we must explain ourselves and put more color to our thoughts and feelings. We have all the technology to engage and share, what we need right now, is the passion to really connect and tell our stories with a little bit of play of words and not just turn everything visual and one-liners. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that we should elicit exchange of significant thoughts than to invite miscommunication and misinterpretation.

Do I have the time to go back to this piece of junk? Well, hell yeah. My life might have been a bore for the last three years, I am still thankful that I’m still learning a few and I’d like to share some of these things in my blog. Things changed and I know it’s a cliché. I still never outgrown my desire to really write, share and inspire others, especially those who have known me through this blog and those that I made friends with.

Just few updates about me. I’m happy with my current partner right now. We’re currently on our 16^th months and things are looking brighter for both of us. Work is tough, and is getting tougher. I work in a BPO but I’m now more than a year in the morning shift. I got a small team, but I get the fulfillment with how strong, independent and competent my team is. Family is great. Sister has already stayed in New Zealand for more than a year. We have plans of visiting her next year. I put on hold my plan of working in NZ, but I’m not closing doors and I still would want to migrate if given the chance. I started to go out again and meeting new friends has given me a new perspective in life. I lagged behind badminton, but I’m starting to pick-up on this activity since last week. I’m now staying in a new house in San Jose Del Monte Bulacan, and Bamba (my Nissan Navara pickup) is still my best companion in travels, most recent long-drive of which is Baguio. I have plans of doing video-blogs again! But I might postpone until next year, as I migrate to a new country. *fingers-crossed*

Oh life. It goes on. At my age where people think I got it all together, I think I’m in a perpetual stage of planning and really just living each day at a time. I’ve no regrets. And to my span of influence, may we all find our happiness in our journeys. 

Love Found Us

Earlier that year, I was like in a limbo hovering from one place to the other. I was in a constant search for that one person. I don’t know why, but I guess part of my DNA is the sheer passion to be with someone. My center and peace of mind revolves around the fact that I was born to love and be loved. When one can construe this a mere dependence to someone, others find this a sign of weakness and a depiction of one “hopeless romantic” micro-organism of the entire universe. Well, a news for myself, I am that person, and I don’t intend to put a stop until I find him. I guess I was never really born alone or single. It’s just not my story.

My happiness is not really finding the perfect guy that society conspicuously dictates in so many forms of platform. It’s not even in the chase. I came to conclude one day that my happiness is simply finding a person who I can love, spend the rest of my life and just open up my life so he can love me back.

Easy? Definitely not.

Finding a partner in life is like looking for a dream job. You go on dates like it’s an interview process, you go on several dates – which is like an on the job training. Come to think of it, relationship starts to be like a job and ends up being a career. Why? Because you start by doing your job as a partner, and as time goes by, you build your life and your choices based on the relationship, just like a career.

However, I dug deeper, I feel that relationships should be taken as separate entities. Your discipline in the work is something you do not apply in your love one. And when I say discipline, it’s the corporate management where you document disciplinary measures and instill progressive programs. Same goes for love-relationships, you do not kiss and hug after a terrible fight at work. Needless to say, that’s very awkward.

My contention really is this, finding your love of your life is seeking not your happiness, but the happiness of the person you've chosen to love for the rest of your life. Along the way, if your happiness and his happiness dances in unison, count not the years of togetherness because years become irrelevant for two people who signed contracts in their hearts, it’s more binding than a piece of paper.

As I aged, I realized that success for the youth are the people that have accumulated wealth over the years. In my age right now, it still applies. But as I grow older, I reckon my success is measured by how my partner reminisce the moments we shared - the problems we have solved, the laughter that made us forget, the people who we've helped, the effort we put just to see each other, how we smelled each other’s neck, how we finish the food in our plates, sharing popcorn and soda while watching a movie, the warm hug before we fall asleep, and so many others.

In our age right now, where we are busy with our own careers and realizing our dreams, I can’t help but think about my future with him. Relationship for me is not complete if we don’t share those dreams together. While I may get support and validation from my family and friends, I find my partner’s perspective a little bit over the notch than anyone else. After all, I feel that what is given by my partner is more than a validation.

I thank the universe for trusting me to love again. I am happy that I've found peace and serenity knowing that a person have seen beyond my imperfection and just accepted me for who I am. And I think the secret is just doing the same, loving the person beyond the imperfection and accepting them for who they are. 

Barakos Conquered South

It was a great day for a road trip to the beach. Sun was not as hot during summer, not as wet during rainy season. The night before, Honey was already headed to our home from Pampanga. I picked him up in the nearby mall. Hold his left hand while I drive.

I was thinking of the things that have transpired prior this weekend get-away with the Barakos. To name a few, these were the hell week in the office, that holiday rush, that awesome chat with Japs on our way to pick up Louie at the airport, the arrival of my best friend from the US after his 6 months business trip, my crazy moments at home, chat with sis in NZ, meeting a new friend Kisha, and a whole lot more. It was a roller coaster ride with considerable ups and momentary downs.

Three highlights from our trip to Batangas - sharing session in the bonfire, the funny "exhaust" game, and the friendship that no matter how cheesy we get, we define and live the meaning of it now to a whole new level. 

with Bestfriend Louie

Fresh Louie! 

Sunrise in Batangas

trying Beach Volleyball with sporty Babit, Nate and Nikki

the annoying forced selfie of bestfriend in my phone. 

meditation on top of a rock formation

me loves

the very posh Natey Perry

C5

the obligatory groufie

The year 2014 was a challenging year, for work and relationships. What a better way to end this year than to celebrate with loved ones and close friends! The trip was long but I can say that this is the most fun I had for as long as I can remember. 

Cheers. 

It'll Get Better

Have you ever faced a problem alone? Like no one can ever help you but yourself? How does it feel? How did it impact your life, your important relationships and self-value? Have you realized the value of your circle? Did you reach out for help?

I’m not sure with you. But these questions, are actually the questions that I’ve asked myself, as I try to figure out solving my recent crisis in life. These are the questions that I’ve thrown myself almost every day. These are the same questions that hurt me, but made me realize stuff.

Weeks after I moved out from home (parent’s house), my issues in finances came rushing in my doorsteps. I become broke for months. I have to pay rent, budget my income and maintain my lifestyle. It was aggravated when I started working in the day shift. You see, working in a BPO industry is fabulous if you work in the evening since you are secured of night differential. But when I started supporting Asia Pacific countries like Hong Kong, Singapore, India, Australia and New Zealand, it removed my night differential which was significant in my pay with the huge tax I pay every month.

My source of income got impacted, my savings went to zero.  This change got me caught in a very tight dilemma.

Sister moved to New Zealand last September which means, I don’t have anyone close to me to ask for help. Things moved on and here comes another problem. I have to renew my car’s insurance and have my quarterly car maintenance. I also ran into a small accident where I have to claim weeks before my insurance gets expired. Unfortunately after it get fixed, my insurance expired and I have to put my car on the garage for more than a week. That means, I have to commute. To be honest, it was a humbling experience. I get to ride the jeep again and there are days I rode an ordinary bus.

I tried to patch things up by applying a short-term loan and credit cards. Everyone denied me. Not a single bank allowed me for a loan. There were insanely and ridiculous reasons why. One, my employer replied to banks saying I was a resigned employee since August. Another is my employer’s employee verification officer can’t be reached. To be perfectly honest, I felt those months were really ugly months of my life. I felt I was inviting negative vibes. There were days I think it was more than that. I felt I was cursed. A grave loser. 

I cried and reached out for help. But no one can. I think it was the universe telling me, “You gotta endure this alone my friend.”

As I cogitate my previous month’s existence. I asked those questions but ultimately, I asked myself, “why?” Why do I have to go through this?

With this I realized the meaning of friendship. I realized the importance of family. I realized how Archie loves me, that despite his own problems, he understood and helped me pay one month of my rent. That despite the distance, he braved a storm just to see and spend a day with me. I love you hon! 

Today, I’m not completely free of the struggles, but I’m getting there. I just need to settle few things and I'm off to a better life. See you soon New Zealand! I promised myself that I should no longer be in this predicament. I need to do this for myself and the people that believes in me.  I’m a bit wiser and stronger now but above all…

I could have not survive this ordeal without those few people who eased me out in the process. My gratitude remains in you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Initium

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share. 

For a life-time.

Cheers.

Begin Again

It was just another day for me when all of a sudden someone was pinging me, inquiring about my email address. I was thinking of which one to give as I've thought he will drop his resume and apply to our company. Never did I expect I'll receive a very pleasant surprise. 

Leo,

I need to tell you something. I told you that I was inspired by your blog to write an entry for my own blog same way as you did. And I thank you because it serves as an outlet for me to pour out my emotions and feelings of longing for my better half. But one thing you need to know, as I write down every words of that letter, I think about you because I really like you. I don't know your whole personality, we don't met in person and I never heard your voice before, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, that I like you since I saw your profile on chat app. The moment I saw your bearded face with a sweet smile, I told to myself that this guy is so appealing to me. As we go along knowing some details of each other's life, the level of attraction I had on you continually increases.

I believe that being attracted to you is not my choice, it is instant and I can't control. But liking you after being attracted to you is my choice. I chose to like you because I think our hands fit together, I think that you're my missing puzzle piece, that I'll be more happy when I'm with you. But I've got no evidence for that, I've got no proof that we can sing the same song. Our lives differ from one another, you're in the city I'm in the province, you're almost at the peek of your career and I'm just a beginner in my career, you've got a lot of experience in relationship and I've got none, your real personality is all out in public and mine is not. At the back of my mind, I think I'm not your type and I'm not your ideal guy. Honestly, I'm afraid to be rejected, and I think all of us don't like that feeling. But I'll take the risk that I might be knocking on the wrong door. At least I've got the opportunity to know you and be your friend.

The reason why I send this letter to you, is for you to know that there's someone, somewhere here in Bulacan, appreciates your existence, your kindness, your intelligence, your  stories, your beauty from inside and out, your creativity and lastly, your beard and mustache. Probably you're laughing while reading this message, thinking that I'm out of my mind or it's just a result of my immaturity, but, as I told you I've never been in any relationship and never been a suitor to anyone. So I don't know what to do. This is the only way I know to catch your attention, for you to know my feelings and to know that I'm very serious to you. For now, I can't afford to ask you for a date, so this letter is my only chance to show and prove to you that I really like you.

Leo, I like you! That's all, thanks!

-E.P

After the dating fiasco I recently had, this act of confession diluted the hurt and was replaced by reactions like,

“No, this can’t be happening…”

“Is he serious?”

“Wow, he can write well!”

“Oh my, what have I done to him?”

“Awww, that is cute!!! Why me?”

Why me?

Then with a knee-jerk impulse I answered, “WHY NOT.”

After all that has transpired during the past few days, I can’t help but question my capacity to be loved again. That spark of hope I was talking about in the recent blog entry got watered like a plant. It was ignited like a fire on its minute phase. He made me feel important, but more than anything else, he made me feel that I deserve another chance.

I admire him for taking the risk. I can see myself in him that I, like him has the propensity to take risk and be straightforward enough when it’s needed. It’s admirable for a guy to put that effort. For when I stopped to chase, someone was willing to stand up and care to volunteer. Someone is confessing to me. Someone is pouring all his heart out, word per word. I mean, in my lifetime, I've only experienced this in few occasions.

I’m not sure where this would lead. But I sure do hope that this time, it’ll be sweeter.

It’ll be sweeter. 

Sleepless

How on earth I allowed this to happen?

When all the while, I thought I was strong and sturdy, a certain move leads me to another broken hearted episode. When I controlled every sense of my feelings and posed a dominant facade, I come crumbling down to pieces.  On a Sunday noon, when all are in the confines of home, relaxing and enjoying the day, here I am, in tears as I type this blog entry.

Why am I attracted to someone and when I get to know him more, I fell? Then for some reasons, I put myself into a hurting situation when all the while, I should have known better?

I should know better.

But I chose to be the loving guy that despite knowing his reputation, I am here to love and accept. Albeit I am in dark knowing how I stand in his life, I was willing to take that risk to embrace all of him. Despite the fact, that all I get, is that this has never been a big deal for him. 

How cheap can I get that I endure these miserable and faltering emotions? This is unbecoming of a dignified person that I know of. I anticipate frustrations from my life mentors. How can I be proud of this failure?

It’s a sad state of affairs. And there’s only one to be blamed.

Me.

I know I can pick-up from this mess. I’ve come to terms that I can move on in a snap.

But this one is complex. For when I started to believe again in love, this blow just made me realize that it’s just over. I am doomed and will never find him ever.

How can I bring back that spark of hope?

I think a sound sleep can give me back that mental shape. I think a long and profound sleep can mend that hurt.

Or I can just be sleepless. Until I learn how to be tough again. 

Single Musings

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day.  So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish.  However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine, I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do, every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference.  In fact, I never have to out myself to my parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends? The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about me… well, lately.  Honestly, Barakos (someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on” chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love them. 

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly, they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.

This was also a year of unending blessings from the universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know, those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon.  Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.” This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single and being in a relationship.  

Whatever the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

I’m ok.

Thank You 2013

It has been a year of ups and downs, but mostly happy stories this 2013. I’m happy to recount some of the highlights, stories and lessons of this year and how it impacted the way I view things now.  Indeed, I’m thankful for the blessings and love manifested by the universe. I’m thankful that for this year, I got to have more control of my life and steered it on the way I want it to be. Thanks to people who shared their time, to the friends who never left me on my own battles, to my family who've always been with me. 

January

• First time to experience tollgate (NLEX). Went to Tagaytay with ex to celebrate his 27th birthday. It was a thrilling experience, something very new to me. But honestly, I’m intimidated by how other people can tackle the road flawlessly. I survived my first bout in the most famous national road of the country. I arrived in Tagaytay in one piece.

• The month where I started planning out New Zealand migration.

February

• Few days after Valentines, he broke up with me. I cried for few days and was ready to move on after several weeks.

• The months where I averaged 15 hours a day at work

March

• Dated the following: a Twitter personality, someone I met in PR, someone in Grindr, a policeman and some more

• Work started to be very demanding. Still averaging 15 hours a day at work

April

• Attended one of my supervisor's wedding in Pampanga. Conquered SLEX this time.

May

• Scheduled my meeting with NZ immigration consultant

June

• My sister got diagnosed with Viral Encephalitis. One of the most dramatic episodes of my life.

• Cancelled my plan to migrate to NZ due to high expenses in the hospital

July

• Seriously planned on buying a pick-up

August

• One of the best months in the office. Site’s performance exceeded all other vendors

September

• Planned my birthday in Palawan with my sister

October

• Went to Palawan with Sis. Enjoyed every moment of this vacation

• Got featured in damuhan.com, thanks again to my friend, Bino

• Bought Bamba, my Nissan Navara pick-up (picture above)

• Went to Subic to visit our US Navy cousin

• Went to Tagaytay with the closest friends in the online world – the Barakos

November

• Most emotional month of all the months. There were moments I got depressed because of the feeling of emptiness

• Sis’ boyfriend came home from New Zealand to have a vacation. It was my first time to drive to the international airport to pick-up someone. 

December

• Busiest month of the year

• Experienced for the first time manila's theme park – Star City

• Went to Puerto Galera, got drunk on one of the weekends and met a guy who sat beside me on the beach

• Went to Tagaytay with Arvin, my co-soundcloud artist. Hmmm, I know right.

• Attended a family reunion for the first time

The universe has blessed me with a lot of human interactions, failures which ended up to be valuable lessons in life. Here are some of the key thoughts I remember for 2013: 

• That everything happens for a reason. The plans that did not materialize, just like the plan to migrate might not or will not be good for me.  Or is not yet time.

• Breaking-up is not bad after all. You get to learn more of yourself after being hurt. It’s also a test of how you can endure temporary pain. That moving on is the most important facet.

• Friends are the people who are there for you when you are down, not when there is just booze and some party going on.

• That having a boyfriend is cool. But being rich is cooler. Just kidding

• If you are single, you will be sad once in a while

• Having a relationship will never define you. It should not be the end-all or be-all

• It’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship

• Pursue happiness, and enjoy while doing it

• Never leave your friends behind

• Generosity, thankfulness, deep gratitude and paying it forward

• “What others do to you is their karma, how you react, is yours.”

• Love your work, and work will love you back, ten-folds

With just a few days, we will welcome 2014. I just hope that the universe continue to bless me with wisdom. But above all, peace and serenity in my heart - comfort that whatever happens in my life, I got all the things I need and that my dreams are just in the palm of my hands. 

To prosperity and beyond. 

Cheers.