Sleepless

How on earth I allowed this to happen?

When all the while, I thought I was strong and sturdy, a certain move leads me to another broken hearted episode. When I controlled every sense of my feelings and posed a dominant facade, I come crumbling down to pieces.  On a Sunday noon, when all are in the confines of home, relaxing and enjoying the day, here I am, in tears as I type this blog entry.

Why am I attracted to someone and when I get to know him more, I fell? Then for some reasons, I put myself into a hurting situation when all the while, I should have known better?

I should know better.

But I chose to be the loving guy that despite knowing his reputation, I am here to love and accept. Albeit I am in dark knowing how I stand in his life, I was willing to take that risk to embrace all of him. Despite the fact, that all I get, is that this has never been a big deal for him. 

How cheap can I get that I endure these miserable and faltering emotions? This is unbecoming of a dignified person that I know of. I anticipate frustrations from my life mentors. How can I be proud of this failure?

It’s a sad state of affairs. And there’s only one to be blamed.

Me.

I know I can pick-up from this mess. I’ve come to terms that I can move on in a snap.

But this one is complex. For when I started to believe again in love, this blow just made me realize that it’s just over. I am doomed and will never find him ever.

How can I bring back that spark of hope?

I think a sound sleep can give me back that mental shape. I think a long and profound sleep can mend that hurt.

Or I can just be sleepless. Until I learn how to be tough again.