Monday, June 3, 2013

Thought of Diaspora

This entry is written to remind myself of how it was like for me being single again. It’s been more than three months since the break-up and as I assess myself, I got scared knowing that I’ve been just fine. I just don’t find it normal that there’s no such thing as mourning or countless moments of emoness. Don’t get me wrong, I got sad, but it wasn’t perpetual as expected. I know that I should be celebrating my maturity and the impeccable way I handled myself during and after the event, which in my point of view, is a typical expectation for someone who has been seasoned and lucky to have several relationships in life.  I hope I can say it was easy but as I try to go back day by day, building this story, and recapitulating the emotions that went around it, I can’t help but realize how the impact of this, change me to view things and force me to understand better.

No one can really make a 100% effective manual to move on and overcome a painful break-up. It takes more than putting a step by step process and expect someone to run with it and have a happily ever after ending. There’s just no blanket approach. Though some people can relate, I believe the best medicine to this kind of pain is their own antidote that they themselves can create.

Work has been the best refuge so far. It is integral to me. It gave me the reason to subject myself to long hours at work, focus on what needs to be done, support the people that work for the company and for my department. Knowing the fact that I only depend on myself, I feel more the need to achieve. The salary mindset has been totally erased and for me, the paramount in my career is to be able to achieve my personal career goals. It elates me being able to touch a lot of people, inspire them to be achievers too. I realized and dawned on me my strength in helping people realize their potentials. I’m also happy to have found new mentors in my career. People who I think at some point might have lost confidence in me, but has always been patient in providing feedback and guidance. 

So I asked myself. What else can I do to enrich my life? I recently joined a speech and leadership organization, Toastmasters International. In this club, a lot of professional spends a great deal of hours to hone their public speaking skills. But on top of that – no one can deny the fact that this group is a great source of friendship and network. It was really an enriching experience to have met some VPs from banks, managers from retail industry, entrepreneurs, college students/professors, IT professionals, auditors and a whole lot more. Last Saturday, we had this small workshop about personal goals and challenges. That workshop was indeed something I need to cap that day. I was already on my 20th hour awake from a Friday night shift at work. 

There are two things lurking my mind that moment of workshop. One is my goal of migrating to NZ. Seek better life outside the country, and number two, purchase my dream pick-up car. Obviously of the two, the easiest to achieve was the latter. I have a job that can sustain monthly amortization. I just can sell my existing ride to decrease the amount of down payment. But then again, I realized. Is this self-enriching? Is it really worth buying a new car? Will this bring long-term happiness in my life? Or will it just give me license to brag, feel good about myself and then what? 

As I try to build a plot in my head, the resounding foundation of this all is really my desire to move on with my new life. That I’m already single, that I should be opening a new chapter in my existence. That I should be thinking about my future whether alone or with a partner if ever. I’m happy of the change, but the transition really just bores me to death. Partly it’s my fault of not doing anything, or maybe I’m not pushing myself hard. 

I had several meet-ups and dates after the break-up, but then I realized, is it worth it? Or maybe I’m just not finding the right guy, or I’m not yet prepared for any guy for that matter. Is it my standards? Well I certainly don’t blame my ex, he’s really one tough guy to beat (see, I’m not a hater). Can I adjust to any guy? Then I thought of some pre-conditions. Which makes me conclude, it’s not happening, or my heart's turning to stone?

The month of June will be extra tough in terms of managing my itinerary. I’ve committed myself in adhering to my calendar of activities which points to my other goal.  A sort of stuff will be sacrificed, but I feel that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I really owe this to myself. If it comes soon, I’d be stoked with the idea of a better life, not only for me, but for my family as well. 

A close friend asked, “What will compel you to change your mind to migrate?” I answered, “Two things. That f*cking Strada I’ve been yearning for years. Number two… if that someone I’m eyeing for will ask me to stay.” 

“Taena mo Leo. Ang landi mo rin eh.” And we burst out laughing. 

I don’t know. I think there are solid plans in my mind. But it’s really all up to me at this point. The universe blessed me with endless options but at the end of the day, the decision should come from the heart. 

Great days ahead I see. Great days...