Reborn

I was thinking of something to write after the last blog entry I had last August. It’s been two months and I kind of left the blogging world for a period of time. When I think about it, I felt there’s nothing significant happening in my life. Irony is, I’ve been very busy with my career  and personal life– typical alibi for someone who’s been procrastinating in a certain hobby that is blogging. Truth of the matter is, I’ve been wanting to do a video blog. But by just thinking on the relentless hours you pour towards this activity, I’d rather just take those hours to recuperate from the stressful world of the BPO.

I was in Boracay previous to this weekend, to celebrate my 32^nd.  You know, for someone like me, you will seldom get to celebrate birthdays out of town. I was the conventional celebrant not until 2010 when I got to celebrate it outside the confines of our home. 2011 was an all throughout different story. But 2012 has been the far most exciting of all the birthdays. One, I was in the beach. Two, I was with Nimmy all day long.

It was also the time I get to reflect on my past goals in life and realign them to what’s pressing and pragmatic. You see, I’m a person who would really want to dream and achieve BIG. It’s a cycle I’ll never get tired of. There have been a lot of bumps along the way and I learned to move on and control frustrations. Signs of getting old I guess.

2012 was a change/leap of faith and so far I’ve been reaping the fruits this year. At the age of 32, I just feel that my journey has been a blast. I may not be as successful like the others in terms of their career and wealth however, I feel that my experience in life has really given me a deeper understanding of myself and it made me more content as to who I am, and what I am capable of. As the cliché goes, “Age is just a number.” And I agree, there’s nothing young or old in terms of knowing your niche. I say this in terms of knowing what you really want or your purpose in life. I personally think it’s in your pattern – your destiny.  Your choice affects the journey but at the end of it all, it brings you to your fate.

I learned from my vacation who, what, where, when to PRIORITIZE. I reflected on things but I think that is too personal to share in this blog. One important thing though, is that I’m really HAPPY. Thanks to the relationship I currently have with Nimmy, and the career I honestly feel I deserve. Along the way, people come and go in my life, I hope in some ways I was able to bring value and inspiration to them.  We get wiser when we meet and learn from people and I really hope I did my share.

Thanks to all the birthday greetings I got from Facebook, Twitter, BBM and text messages! It’s nice hearing from people I didn’t get to talk to all the time. I appreciate all the gestures. Yes, I’m 32, but I really do feel more auspicious chapters will unveil soon. I’m excited for the years ahead for the breakthroughs and milestones I’m claiming as early as now.

I end with the parting words that dawned on me on our flight from Kalibo to Manila -"Life is not good all the time, but that what makes the journey worthwhile."

Run Away to Baguio

More than a week ago, I went up to Baguio with Nimmy and five others with just one goal in mind, escape the fast-paced milieu of the metro.

It took that long for me to write this because of two things - I felt my fellow bloggers captured our story very well that I ended up thinking, I might just be duplicating parts of their work, and number two, I've been guilty of procrastination doubled up by lack of time, stress in work and endless questioning of, "How will I start?"

You see, I've been longing to have this time to escape and just adore some scenery, not think about the stressful life in the office, spend more time with Nimmy and enjoy the company of my blogger friends. After going back to work five months ago, I think I'm smart to take advantage of this time to travel, get to slack off a bit, buy some time to reflect and feel the magnificent balance my mind and heart is yearning.

Before I get to enumerate all the benefits of traveling, allow me first to give thanks to the following people. 

Nimmy - my Mahal. I'm happy he approved my traveling expense and I'm sure he'll agree it's all worth spending for. He met in advance some of the folks we were with in Baguio and I'm happy he goes along well with them too. Mahal and I shared bed and believe me, nothing beats cuddling in the City of Pines. I can never forget the time he slept just few minutes his face landed my chest. Yes, he is that tired after our first day trip. I always get to enjoy traveling because of him. He cares for me and never leaves my side. Lucky to have him as my boyfriend. 

Bino - you know the saying, "Action speaks louder than voice?" Bino is the typical guy that you would want as a friend. He listens and observes intently. His action fits for a father. He doesn't talk that much but through action he has shown care for the group. He wakes up early to prepare breakfast, he had the whole trip planned by creating the itinerary and contacting some folks for our accommodation. In other words, he's like our "go-to" person. He's like a big brother to all of us. He's overflowing with leadership and I must say, I'm one of the lucky folks to have him as a friend. He's a keeper! He easily laughs at my jokes and punchlines. A great company all throughout.

Karlo - similar to Bino, he's somewhat taciturn yet when he speaks, he speaks with sharpness and wit. He's the assigned chef of the group exhibiting his mastery with red sauce spaghetti and hotdogs! He's easy to get a long with opposed to his embedded character as "suplado." Though I can say he has that propensity at times he is quiet, he had always shown immense interest and attention when I speak, which in turns makes me earnestly listen to him back when he tells some stories.

Desoleboy - my comedic buddy. I'm not sure, but with how we connect during our Baguio trip is beyond my comprehension. Our exchanges in punchlines seemed to be endless. DB like his blog is a deep person. He might have impressed upon people his darkness in writing, but I never get to see that when we laugh. I always get to see the positive side of this fellow maybe because he has been so transparent and honest to us. I appreciate the fact that he trusted us with his friendship, and with that I'm truly grateful for. It's a pleasure to hear stories of his work, his adventures and all others. He's a genius in disguise and for a person to be like him, one can be so arrogant, but never did I feel that with him. He listens and shares, perfect formula for a friendship to last a lifetime.

Theo - the baby of the group. I can sense a neophyte blood running through him when I saw him the first time in Baguio. He's like a fragile piece in our mainstream. He's a fresh graduate, learning the ropes of career building and very idealistic in a good way. As such, I feel that it could have been our barrier during the trip, he rarely opens up to the group, yet he is receptive to our discussions. Funny that albeit our jam-packed itinerary he managed to still publish a blog that day. Feels like he has a world of his own, yet being the more matured ones we reached out to ensure he's enjoying and he gets what he need. The trip is proven to be short for us to get to know him more. But his presence really completed our entire stay, and made it colorful.

Mar - I only found lately that I've been following his blog for a long time now. During the planning stage, I get to see his Twitter name mentioned along side my name and being that stranger, I was worried that I'll be spending Baguio with someone I never get to interact with. So I followed him, he followed me back, but it was crazy that we still never had that interaction. Looking at his timeline, I can only see Instagram tweets so I can never really create a full assumption of his personality. Nonetheless, it was never a deterrent to mingle and meet new folks. I'm surprised that after meeting him, I find that we share the same humor. We clicked and it was really fun being with him. Mar was actually our assigned negotiator for cab drivers. He might not have noticed but I was observing him while he talks to the driver. He has this charisma that rarely finds rejection. He had this technique that I learned that I can find useful in the future. Mar is also generous and I find that his generosity stems from his character and the pureness of his heart.

As a group, it has been a very pleasant experience. My stay in Baguio was already complete with Nimmy all along, but the company and the different personalities of the group made it a notch higher. 

You see, blogging's purpose should never be limited to just opening your thoughts and emotions through words. It's a great medium to be heard by many. But one should never be afraid to step a little further and interact personally with people. While for some are still in the hideouts and complete anonymity, I find joy in just being myself and attract positive people to join the wagon of delightful existence. The group may have different individual point of views, religions and ages, our common denominator is to really just enjoy and avoid the misery from the workplace, finding a sense of balance and ignite the friendship.

We can never be successful in escaping the office hullabaloos, but we bring back a sense of thought that life is not all about the stress your work can bring. But you got friends and company to enjoy at your own pace.

So to Bino, Karlo, DB, Theo and Mar, may our friendship stay forever and grow more with people of the same mindset. It was an honor and privilege spending the days with you all in Baguio. See you soon!

Funny lines during our trip.

Me: Uy Mar, ikaw ba nag-grate nitong cheese?

Karlo: Uu, ngipin niya yung ginamit niya.

Me: Ah kaya pala may kick!

 (It all began with this conversation and we used "kick" in every aspect of our conversation. Crazy.)

***

Me: You know guys, ang sarap ng fruits na ito... Alam mo yun... Yung may burst of flavors. 

***

DB: Gusto ko umakyat sa taas. (Him trying to get inside a Benguet native hut, he made several attempts but was unsuccessful)

Me: So what's the struggle DB? (and DB burst some laughing)

***

Me: Oh guys picture, yung parang naglalakad paakyat ng stairs. (Mar dropping something and while picking up his stuff, I took the picture along side Bino, Karlo and DB)

Me: Ay Mar Verdan, mukha kang nagsstruggle sa picture. Are you ok?

***

Me: Jump shot! (And we almost had jump shots in every location except Pink Sisters)

***

DB: Gawa tayo ng video ng kanta ng One Direction!

All: No reaction. (Cricket sounds)

***

 Karlo: Nasaan si Theo?

Me: Ayun nag-bablog sa puno. 

 ***

3 High-Level Updates

The other day, I was browsing through some of the books I haven’t finished reading and one of it was “The God Delusion” written by Richard Dawkins. He’s an atheist writer I’ve learned to know during the time I was looking for some answers in life. He started the book with a story of his wife hating school during her younger years which when she disclosed the fact to her parents they asked, “Why didn’t you tell us darling?”

“I didn’t know I could.”

When I tried to reflect on my choices last year and early part of this year, the thought really stuck in my head that I’m responsible to my own destiny. My choices are mine, and mine alone. I always have the option to everything that can affect me. I did this by sharpening my intuition and putting my heart to all that I think is substantial for my growth, not physically, but growth in character and wisdom. Until this very day, things have been consistently going in my favor.  While at this time I didn’t ask nor summon for a favorable situation – one by one, destiny has become easy to comprehend. It’s you and you right now. It’s the present things you do. It’s not the future. 

You see, not knowing your options really can stir you to a different path.  Same thing though if you knew things, it can propel you to different sorts. We know knowledge is power.  It’s a source to determine and weigh things. It can bring you to life’s decision or choose not to decide – which in effect the same because it’s still a decision.  

My faith now was really not an accident. It’s not just a day in my life that I decide – “Hey, I’m an atheist, I don’t believe in god.” As far as my maturity goes, I learned that your choices are both driven by your analytics and your emotions. It’s not a rocket science or a matter of metaphysics that requires you understand the movement of energy pockets by one thing to the other.  It’s how you think and react to things thrown at you. I agree, I’ve been in a struggling and challenging life last year. While it could have been the fuel for my “unfaithfulness” in religion, I was really in a profound quest for my truth. Options have been springing out from every corner in my life, and as I try to sail my life, it has been a tremendous joy knowing what I really want, and knowing what I need to hold onto. No one can pay you a money’s worth, to label your own personal effectiveness. It’s yours alone. 

***

I’m on my fourth month in employment. Geese, it’s been a whole new learning experience for me. While people may think I’ve been a veteran in this industry, well for sure I think I’m not. Most of the folks I interact with have thought I’ve been in the company for so long but then again, come to think of it, I’ve been holding a position which exposes me to a lot of information. Information is knowledge I have up for my sleeves. It’s like a thing you can substitute for tenure. Who says you can’t be who you want to be? Read more and find that mastery in you. You’ll go a long way for sure.

My word of advice to people who are busy building their careers, “bullshit baffles the brain.” Learn stuff that can help you become better servants. Bring value to every hour you are paid. You attract your salary. It shouldn’t be the other way around. 

***

Nimmy and I have been a constant weekend date partners. It has been for months now. I’m not complaining. The current set-up of living in parent’s house, (well technically, he’s not since he’s renting a house with siblings) has been working for us just fine. 

This makes me revisit my thoughts about long-distance relationships. Will that thing work? I guess so. Looking at it from a different perspective, I see that Nimmy and I had this year-long investment in time, togetherness, understanding and commitment. While for some intimacy has been a major factor, I think it’s more than that, it’s a shared goal. Being managers in our jobs, we have learned that sticking to a goal while changing tactics and strategies along the way can be helpful. 

The key word is GOAL. 

Our main goal is really to have a blissful retirement. We’re on our tender years as professional and since we are earning good, it’s practical that we share the decision to invest and earn so that we can have comfortable lives when we get old.  While the government can’t give security to our union (I don’t want to dwell on this further but I will in the future), our sense of security for each other has never been tarnished. Again, it’s commitment. It’s the conscious effort you put together as partners to build a relationship to last.

En Route to Better Days

Slashed my two cards. Inspired from a good friend's blog entry.

I come from a poor family. Tracing my roots, I never heard any stories of my mama or papa being part of a well-off circle. True to the adage, “tell me who your friends are…” their friends as of the same income bracket. All that I know is that my papa used to be an OFW in Kingdom of Saudi Arabia for a decade. Through his earnings and my mom’s ability to manage their finances, my parents were able to invest on a farmland – now our mango farm, buy a house and a lot – now contested by the Araneta’s Carmel Development Incorporated (story found here) and was able to finance my college. I say we’re poor, because we always struggle until all meets end. Despite my parents investments on our farm and their sidelines at home, fact still remains, we don’t have consistent flowing income. I don’t want to dig in anymore to my sad stories like commuting to PUP Sta. Mesa just with 50 bucks daily allowance, or surviving 4 years of college just with one pair of jeans, 5 t-shirts and a sandal. Times were really tough during those days. Though it is still tough, my story now is of different leverage.

Education really prepared me. Beyond the textbooks and my professor’s lecture, I learned through meeting people. I learned the introduction to corporate calisthenics during my OJT in the Senate and DFA. I learned by listening to old people. I kept in mind their wisdom.  

As I started earning money, things changed for me and my family. I became an instant bread-winner. I sent my sister to college; my wallet has suddenly been a source of fund for us. Don’t get me wrong. I am not complaining. I love helping out my family. It was just fair for me to provide, after my parents have helped me become who I want to be and for supporting me for any endeavors I’d like to pursue. For me, it’s automatic. They never have to ask. I will give. 

To tell you the truth, I had perpetual finances issue in my life. Only until recently. 

When my income started to increase after being a risk-taker (and successful with that) in my BPO career, that’s when it all started.  I started having credit cards and purchased some loans just to sustain whatever it is I never carefully planned of, say, luxuries. Funny thing, I can never quantify which goes where, or simply which goes as to be useful until now. I was never a wise-spender, obviously. 

It dawned on me few years back that debts can really wreck havoc my future. I started to read and study. I started to get curious. However, I never did change my way of life. I know stuff, but I never do anything. But when life started to tap me (metaphorically, of course), I started to plan out my life. My bad state of affairs during being unemployed really propelled me to start writing down my action plans. 

One person that really helped me in this ordeal is Nimmy. 

Nimmy being the smartest I know in terms of handling finances, have been my source of inspiration. I share what I learn from the books (credits to sir Robert Kiyosaki author of Rich Dad Poor Dad), and he shares what he learns from his current job. It was a couple’s synergy. Nimmy works in the biggest and brightest banks of the land and strategically, he also works in asset management, the field where I can get the most of intel. More than the knowledge Nimmy can provide, is the fact that his family has well kept values in the financial acumen. The value of saving has been tremendously passed over to him, which is the same value we share now in our relationship. 

Now that my finances are back to normal, (thanks to being employed, and being more financial mature), I let Nimmy do the finance tactics for a better increase in yield. We were not wrong with the plan. I have him manage all my earnings, and for me to say the least - just keep being frugal. Bottom line, as couples, we need to be transparent all the time. I can say we’re successful. 

I’m happy to write that as of May 9, two of my three major credit cards have been cut off. If not for Nimmy, and his foresight, this could not have been realized. We plan to carry out this plan for the next 6 months and expect results. However we surprised ourselves in just 2 months! The other credit card that I have is just to take care of my car's gasoline.

Well, I’d like to put on a record that the lesson here is not to have a smart boyfriend. It could have been easier. It’s a plus, but not a requirement. Financial intelligence is just one aspect. I guess what’s paramount is the fact that I decided, I planned, and I act. In so doing, it did help me more having a partner who talks the same language. 

Knowing I’m in a financial distress is one thing, doing something about it is another.  Having someone to help out is just perfect. 

Ok, ok. I know I can’t be a savings expert. But in my experience, I really learned that money after all is not the problem. What do you think? Well your guess is as good as mine. 

So I come from a poor family. But that doesn’t hinder me from not aspiring for better and comfortable life. All it takes is the drive to learn and take action, and the propensity to control one self.  I probably read this somewhere, “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity…” I can relate totally. 

Always take the time to prepare. Don’t be afraid to learn. Take risk. Like so many people, they failed. I do too and I will still fail some more. But I learned from them. I may have failed and left me impecunious, but  in the end, I become smarter. It fueled my desire to achieve, not only for myself, but also for my family, for Nimmy. 

"I can do anything, I believe I can do..." -Stin Hansen, Motivational Self-Talk

Broken White Shoes

One day I was commuting to the office wearing my white shoes. I need to catch my training class at a very early schedule, 5:30am to be exact. I was on a rush and by some foreboding stroke of the universe, my shoes’ sole flapped and exposed my black sports socks.  My instinct was to buy glue and I did. There’s no conspicuous hardware store in Eastwood, and my recourse was to bet my bills on a drug store, Mercury. I won against preconceived notion that Mercury only sells drugs (the legitimate ones of course), and off I go with a bottle of water and Bulldog epoxy. When I thought having glue was a quick fix, I was completely wrong. So as the story goes, after buying glue, I went straight to a comfort room in Cyber Mall, applied carelessly the glue on my shoe’s sole and off I go. No one told me that I need to wait for a few minutes to make the glue bond and fix it. So I walked towards the office, feeling my shoes to be unusually loose still, only to find out – that half of my foot is half-exposed to people in the office lounge. First few hours in training, I was still fixing my shoes, but all the time smiling at my Mentos experience. Was I embarrassed? Oh hell yes. But I felt that there’s something more in that experience. I felt I become a different person. 

I had a share of those embarrassing moments in the public place.  To name a few are getting bumped by a stranger or an electrical post while walking, tripped on a pothole, parking booboos and so many others that keeping a record requires a thick log book. 

You see, back then, when I was few years younger, I don’t get to let go of those experiences easily. I felt I was not normal. I felt weak. Same goes back to the time when I was still in school and when I was embarking on my early years as a young professional. I tend not to forgive myself on small mistakes. Blame it on my achiever attitude. I have a goal. I have plans. Gearing against it was not really an option. Situations that are not in my favor kill me. Those situations that irk me are things I thought that stands in my way. In other words, I tend to get easily frustrated in myself.  I’m a perfectionist, but my life is not a complete resemblance of what I aspire. But then again, I learned to let go. I’m not sure if it comes with age, but I’m sure it comes from experience. 

While working on that same day, with semi-bare naked feet, I realized that life is going to throw you different things, sometimes all at once. True that your character is being tested by the way you react to them. Was it my fault to experience those? Absolutely not. But I am to be blamed by how I react and shudder.  So I chose to react on that shoe-experience that it’s something not to be worried about and ruin the rest of my day. I thought of it as an opportunity to buy new shoes.  Smiling, I thought I’m lucky to understand that I can buy a pair the same day. I just have to wait for the mall to open. 

I may not be the right person to give advice in dealing with depression. I can’t pass as a life-coach.  But let me tell you something. You know I experienced being depressed for not being able to know what exactly I want in life.  For months, I was unemployed.  It was an episode in my life where I was torn discovering a new path in my career. I wanted to be on a different industry. But then again, being unemployed was half a choice, and the rest are taken to be a time I wanted to do something else.  Along the lines, I had terrible mistakes. Mistakes for taking for granted the time. Decisions, or the lack thereof is pricy, not all people realize that. I got depressed, and it was something I thought was a reaction for a life that took control of me, instead of me controlling it.

I am now on my second step of fulfilling my Personal Legend. 

This is the time where I am learning myself more. This is the time where I’m pretty sure as to where I’m going. There’s no holding back, and my intuition is saying I’m on the right track. Everything is falling into place and it’s all coming my way. There are still some roadblocks, but I feel it’s just placed there to give my plans a test. It’s there to make my life less boring and monotonous. I’m speaking not in an arrogant way, but it’s just that my heart is at peace to my own actions. Gone are the days of ambivalence and high-rise anxiety about life.  It started when I learned to know what makes me happy and go after it no matter what. 

So to whoever is reading this now, I know you have your own challenges. You have your own chasing of your personal legend. We know it’s not going to be easy. We know there will be challenges in life. We go through the same phases with work, family and love. Age is not a requirement. Finances are of no bearing. Relationships and network are baseless. It’s you, and only you who can fulfill your dreams. Chase it. Clamor.

Because the moment you don’t, broken shoes will keep you from walking. 

 

P.S. Our Nikki is back and is in full condition. I get to drive him again.

Life After The Alchemist

Few days after raving in my recent post the book, The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, I've been getting positive vibes in my life one of which is realizing and confirming that it is with human facility, that innate power that we can control and summon the universe to our own agenda. The intensity it took reading page after page, have reverberated all throughout the days, which until now, I can't believe that it's all happening.  I didn't get the same intensity after reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne several years ago or any other books I came across, ever. 

Within thirteen months, I've accustomed myself to the routine/confines of reflecting, realizing stuff, spiritual adventure, faith overturn, networking, rekindling old ties, reading, studying, business, sports and leisure and other things I can't even remember or is not even worth remembering. 

I got the first hand experience of the numerous adages about life's intricacies and how you can turn yourself into a hero of your own life. 

I am PROUD of the fact that in just a few days, I am embarking on my FIRST step fulfilling a Personal Legend. I am set on a mission for a stunning comeback in the industry I learned to love and hate at the same time.  It's the perfect timing to correct the mistakes, and get even to the life that has deprived me in order to learn, in order to realize how the universe eagerly wants me to take that STEP, not half-hearted, but full of enthusiasm and bullish mindset. I was bullied by fate, and all it takes for a sweeping victory is to just fight back by capitalizing on your "cards." It was not that easy. 

As I was signing the employment contract few days ago, I can't help but think of the people that never let go of the spark they said I still have in me. The people who have the sternest belief and trust that I can go on and be successful still, albeit the doubt stamped all over my body. They too have slapped me to wake up. My gratitude STAYS with them. 

I've realized that whatever life has thrown you - meager roads, endless crossroads, tribulations  or just plainly challenges, whatever your HEART desires, whatever it is that you want ultimately, it will still be victorious in the end. Along the way, you will have different dreams, different goals. But at the end of it all, one dream will stand out. Time is indeed a friend. It gives you the ability to realize and weigh things out. Mine took thirteen months while for others it just doesn't happen. I still view myself, LUCKY.

It was a feeling of joy that I can't even explain through words, when it has dawned on me what I really want to achieve in life. One by one my set of OMEN appeared. And just like what P.Coelho described on one of the chapters- that once you get to hear your heart communicate with the soul of the earth, "beginner's luck" seems inevitable. Everything just falls into place. 

Employment came to a breeze, people I need to have contacts to embassy, real estates, stock management and even migration, started to come my way. I'm not even really sure what it is going on, but even Nimmy got the chance to listen to one of Suze Orman's seminar.  We all know her for her financial management acumen and her show in CNN. I need the learnings, and it is all coming into my doorsteps. 

Sometimes I really think how stupid I was during the months I was on a limbo. It stinks. But  now I realized why that thing happened. It made me STRONG and just ready to fight head on. 

Then we know, The Alchemist came. 

I read, deciphered and learned concepts. I learned about myself MORE than ever. 

I learned about what I was really dreaming about. I learned my purpose. 

That stupid book, it has really CHANGED me and my life's course. 

I Changed.

Omens are individual language in which God talks to you. My omens are not your omens. They are this strange, but very individual language that guides you toward your own destiny. They are not logical. They talk to your heart directly. The only way you can learn any language is by making mistakes. I made my mistakes, but then I started to connect with the signs that guide me. The silent voice of God that leads me to the places where I should be. – Paulo Coelho, author The Alchemist (an interview by Laura Sheahen, for Beliefnet)

When 2011 spring boarded, I never had any inkling as to what the future entails me. Few days before the New Year, I was jobless.  Like for most part of my life, I gave everything to fate. I deeply surmise that whatever I’ve gone through my career is an experience itself.  They are life lessons I can bring to any path I wish to take.  I know through faith in Him, I can surpass any obstacles. I can be whatever I want to be. I started to fuel my faith by engaging myself to religious creeds and acts. 2011 then is a year to rekindle my faith. It is a time to get serious with God, know Jesus and his miracles, and learn how to be a faithful servant. When I felt I need to do something more, I attended to St. Jude Thaddeus Novena every Thursday, prayed the rosary everyday with lighted candles, visited several churches in the metro and read the bible. I listened fervently to Bible readings and priest’s sermons. I read a lot of religious books and if I felt it was not enough, I meditated in the hopes I can hear God, and be able to listen to what He has to say to me.

In other words, my spiritual consciousness got triggered. It was a year of self-reflection. I asked myself a lot of questions. I started to listen to myself. I looked for answers in my everyday existence. I observed a lot of people. I rekindled my relationship to friends, opened up to them. I sought answers by listening to our priest, by eavesdropping to my parent’s church conversations, by listening to music, by reading gargantuan number of stuff, by watching movies and TVs, by staying at home, and observing our family. Once, I tried reaching out to someone of a born again faith. I ventilated my present tribulations, prayed until tears fell from my eyes. I believed that if I keep my faith, and that I keep on having a healthy relationship with God, everything will just be a breeze. It is on this year, I learned that if I have God as a center of my life, my happiness is infinite. I tried all avenues – including self-taught meditations and learned that spirituality is not only embracing it through your own. Spirituality breeds in relationship with people.  I learned meditation techniques including those of igniting chakras.  It was still not enough and all happened in one year.

2012 ushered in and just with a snap, I halted my religious senses. I had STRONG patience, so I thought. Quickly the reality set in. The irony though, is how slow it has taken me to realize that I’m going nowhere. I suddenly felt the feeling of having a blindfold across a wall. I started to walk, I tried to climb, to run and what I get are contusions from trying to go through the partition. Believe me, it was just hard.

I started to study concepts.I need to shy away from what's depressing. I don’t care how weird it is, but whatever catches my attention and curiosity, I readily set myself into. I started to like something not ordinary. I wanted something new. I wanted something unique. I can’t have a continuous routine. I will just die liking the same things over and over again.  I needed a hero to grab my neck and raise me from suffocation.

It’s when the time I started to learn and appreciate Celtic music.  I took the time to read and study stock markets. I did whatever is not ordinary to some.  It’s also the time I started to question things and despise every mystery of the world. I started to feel the need to find answers to those questions I demand to know. I studied astronomy through documentaries. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME.

The more I seek God, the more I find myself alone and sad. I started to question the fundamentals of religion. What has it brought into my life? I want to find the truth and through reading history and learning from several people, I deduce things that lead me to strong belief against my religion. Just like the twin towers of WTC, my faith in religion came crashing down.  I will never see any organized religion the same way again.

I’m still in the process of fully accepting agnosticism in my life. Since first Sunday of 2012, I never attended any mass. I don't like being associated with any religion.  I can say I’m not searching anymore. I felt inner peace. Surprisingly, my view about my life changed tremendously.  Guilt was erased, and I feel free from the clutches of what people have to say. It’s liberating.  My belief now stems from the fact that the Universe has its own course and that we are affected by it.  I’m not sure what to label it, but for me, it was just fundamentally right to begin with that thought, with that concept. 

Do I still believe in God? I really don’t know. I maybe a freethinker, but a-not-so intelligent type for that matter. I'm in the process of profound reading. 

Just as I was contemplating the Universe, I recently closed a Paolo Coelho book entitled The Alchemist. It was the first time in my entire life to read a book with so much intensity. I felt it was relevant to what I’m going through. It’s a shame to have read it just now.  Nonetheless, I felt overwhelmed at the same time joyous that in my course of finding for a plausible answer in my life’s intricacies, I found one.

Paolo Coehlo is my omen.