When All Else is Gone

I promised myself to be positive at all times. I want to think good and happy thoughts all the time. I'd love to be in a constant state of glee - where worries never existed. I want to remain on that state where I can be so confident to face the world. I want to think that challenges and other awful situations are just minute details in my-so-called-life. If problems existed, I want my mind to have openness that it can endure and produce an antidote in no time. 

But it's not the case. 

I am writing this to serve as a confession to myself. A full realization that I am on a rock bottom. 

That I failed. 

Despite the auspiciousness and resilience I've learned to cultivate in my 30 years of existence, with all humility I can muster, I am on the admission that I'm suffering. 

It's not easy to go back to a place where you thought it's not going to exist anymore. It's not easy to think that you have moved forward but because of sheer existence of fate, you are pulled back to square one. 

I don't have any today. So I thought, that with the overly blessings I was blinded by, one by one it dripped like a drop of water. All I can do is stare as things unfold before me. 

The more I try to control, the more it went crazy. 

It's been months. The only recourse and consolation I have for myself is the faith and trust to Him that with these things going on in my life, there's something to look forward to with His unconditional love. Day by day, I felt the need to communicate and meditate on His response to my prayers. 

I want to move on. I want CHANGE. When all else is gone, I felt the need to change course. I felt the need to change my view. I felt the need to renew myself to be better and to be worthy of Thy grace. 

When all else is gone, you look back and count your blessings. 

Gratitude and thanks are nothing but necessary on this most trying times. Without the people surrounding me, I really don't think I can survive. 

My life has never been so easy, and I can confidently say - so is with others. My coping mechanism is unique that it gives ample time to comprehend and take some actions. I let myself endure the pain and pray that my head gets clear. For some, it takes hours, days and weeks to move on. And some, don't even get the chance to see and experience it. 

It's not yet over but soon enough, I know, that I can overcome this not in my own time, but in His time. 

All I can do for now is wait.