Barakos Conquered South

It was a great day for a road trip to the beach. Sun was not as hot during summer, not as wet during rainy season. The night before, Honey was already headed to our home from Pampanga. I picked him up in the nearby mall. Hold his left hand while I drive.

I was thinking of the things that have transpired prior this weekend get-away with the Barakos. To name a few, these were the hell week in the office, that holiday rush, that awesome chat with Japs on our way to pick up Louie at the airport, the arrival of my best friend from the US after his 6 months business trip, my crazy moments at home, chat with sis in NZ, meeting a new friend Kisha, and a whole lot more. It was a roller coaster ride with considerable ups and momentary downs.

Three highlights from our trip to Batangas - sharing session in the bonfire, the funny "exhaust" game, and the friendship that no matter how cheesy we get, we define and live the meaning of it now to a whole new level. 

with Bestfriend Louie

Fresh Louie! 

Sunrise in Batangas

trying Beach Volleyball with sporty Babit, Nate and Nikki

the annoying forced selfie of bestfriend in my phone. 

meditation on top of a rock formation

me loves

the very posh Natey Perry

C5

the obligatory groufie

The year 2014 was a challenging year, for work and relationships. What a better way to end this year than to celebrate with loved ones and close friends! The trip was long but I can say that this is the most fun I had for as long as I can remember. 

Cheers. 

It'll Get Better

Have you ever faced a problem alone? Like no one can ever help you but yourself? How does it feel? How did it impact your life, your important relationships and self-value? Have you realized the value of your circle? Did you reach out for help?

I’m not sure with you. But these questions, are actually the questions that I’ve asked myself, as I try to figure out solving my recent crisis in life. These are the questions that I’ve thrown myself almost every day. These are the same questions that hurt me, but made me realize stuff.

Weeks after I moved out from home (parent’s house), my issues in finances came rushing in my doorsteps. I become broke for months. I have to pay rent, budget my income and maintain my lifestyle. It was aggravated when I started working in the day shift. You see, working in a BPO industry is fabulous if you work in the evening since you are secured of night differential. But when I started supporting Asia Pacific countries like Hong Kong, Singapore, India, Australia and New Zealand, it removed my night differential which was significant in my pay with the huge tax I pay every month.

My source of income got impacted, my savings went to zero.  This change got me caught in a very tight dilemma.

Sister moved to New Zealand last September which means, I don’t have anyone close to me to ask for help. Things moved on and here comes another problem. I have to renew my car’s insurance and have my quarterly car maintenance. I also ran into a small accident where I have to claim weeks before my insurance gets expired. Unfortunately after it get fixed, my insurance expired and I have to put my car on the garage for more than a week. That means, I have to commute. To be honest, it was a humbling experience. I get to ride the jeep again and there are days I rode an ordinary bus.

I tried to patch things up by applying a short-term loan and credit cards. Everyone denied me. Not a single bank allowed me for a loan. There were insanely and ridiculous reasons why. One, my employer replied to banks saying I was a resigned employee since August. Another is my employer’s employee verification officer can’t be reached. To be perfectly honest, I felt those months were really ugly months of my life. I felt I was inviting negative vibes. There were days I think it was more than that. I felt I was cursed. A grave loser. 

I cried and reached out for help. But no one can. I think it was the universe telling me, “You gotta endure this alone my friend.”

As I cogitate my previous month’s existence. I asked those questions but ultimately, I asked myself, “why?” Why do I have to go through this?

With this I realized the meaning of friendship. I realized the importance of family. I realized how Archie loves me, that despite his own problems, he understood and helped me pay one month of my rent. That despite the distance, he braved a storm just to see and spend a day with me. I love you hon! 

Today, I’m not completely free of the struggles, but I’m getting there. I just need to settle few things and I'm off to a better life. See you soon New Zealand! I promised myself that I should no longer be in this predicament. I need to do this for myself and the people that believes in me.  I’m a bit wiser and stronger now but above all…

I could have not survive this ordeal without those few people who eased me out in the process. My gratitude remains in you all.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you!

Initium

Sixteen months is a perpetual epoch for someone to be single for my own standards. I've asked people and their view seems to be quite consistent. For most of them, they feel that I should have enjoyed more. Meet more guys, hang-out, date and refocus my energy with career and other society driven paramount.

As I cogitate my singlehood, there’s only one resounding feeling all throughout this. I want to get out of this episode. I should put a stop.

And came this person.

I met him in my favorite social media platform, Twitter. I was trying to remember until now, who added who. But it dawned on me that this guy has caught my attention. He’s not the typical tweep who will post self-centered, ego-boost and “pa-pogi” tweets. You won’t see any pretentions at all. In the onset, you will just see raw emotions from his previous break-up. There were times I want to throw-up in his self-loathing tweets. Sometimes I think his drama is over the top, "teleserye" kind of way.

Well, I can blame my messianic complex in me getting to be interested with this person. I feel that his problematic break-up is just the same break-up moments I went through my ex. I feel that I can relate. I feel that I can help.

I can help.

Without any intentions whatsoever, I reached out and ask for his picture, had a couple of DMs, got his number and ask him out. I learned he’s an architect by profession, working in an outsource firm.

Ok, I may have plans of dating him, but when I found out he’s in Pampanga, I recalculated my plans and decided there that this will not work out, and maybe he’ll just need someone like me to talk to.

We exchange texts from time to time and ask him if he has plan to visit Manila, just to try my luck. I entertained other guys but I still check up on him. I read his tweets and nothing change. He’s still emo and I can imagine him all the time with bangs, black shirt, black nail polish and all that stuff. He’s funny most of the time.

Then came a week before May 10. I decided to ask him out and he surprisingly said yes (insert big smile here). I don’t know what’s with the month of May, but this month was actually important to me and my ex since we celebrate previously our anniversary this time of the year.

And the rest was history. First meet-up turned out great, but still, I don’t know if this person was interested with me.

If you ask me, I am already attracted to him. We talked and decided to be in an “exclusively dating” phase. If I recall, I feel I was so ready to jump into a commitment. I was in a constant rush and I was afraid he can’t paddle the boat with me.

First few weeks or months were kinda rough for both of us. Our adjustment is just messed up and if we didn’t get our act together, it could have just ended with nothing but a short-term, band aid solution for our loneliness. There’s this point where we try to argue about certain things. He claiming I have “trust” issues, while on the other hand, I feel it has something to do with “personality differences.”

With the challenges we are faced on our set-up, I am surprised every day that we still remain to be strong as a couple. This guy has shown a lot of patience and putting up with my tantrums and drama. There are so many reasons why he should not fall for me, but he just shrugged it off. There were no days I haven’t talked to him. And every single day, we get the chance to know each other more. Admittedly I think, he has shown more maturity in handling relationship than me.

Knowing him more was just the biggest adventure I had. For someone who is not out as a gay guy, I never went beyond understanding their situation and predicament. I was obstinate by the fact that it’s their fault why they are still living inside the closet. But now, I get to understand it more through him. Aside from understanding the situation I learned how to accept the person whether he is out or not.

I always thank the day I met him.

I feel I can take on new challenges in life and be the better person for him and our future. I myself, find it ridiculous that I find my center when I am in love. That no matter how hard I tell myself that career is important, I still long for a partner. Lame as you may see it, but I’ve seen my worst side because of that emptiness inside.

What’s left to do is to try my very best to keep this together with a long-term goal and aspiration.

Love has found me after being lost for some time however, I am happy that I’ve already found the right reason and courage to write the biggest love story of my life. No doubt, he has my heart and he deserves the love I've been wanting to share. 

For a life-time.

Cheers.

Begin Again

It was just another day for me when all of a sudden someone was pinging me, inquiring about my email address. I was thinking of which one to give as I've thought he will drop his resume and apply to our company. Never did I expect I'll receive a very pleasant surprise. 

Leo,

I need to tell you something. I told you that I was inspired by your blog to write an entry for my own blog same way as you did. And I thank you because it serves as an outlet for me to pour out my emotions and feelings of longing for my better half. But one thing you need to know, as I write down every words of that letter, I think about you because I really like you. I don't know your whole personality, we don't met in person and I never heard your voice before, but one thing I'm pretty sure of, that I like you since I saw your profile on chat app. The moment I saw your bearded face with a sweet smile, I told to myself that this guy is so appealing to me. As we go along knowing some details of each other's life, the level of attraction I had on you continually increases.

I believe that being attracted to you is not my choice, it is instant and I can't control. But liking you after being attracted to you is my choice. I chose to like you because I think our hands fit together, I think that you're my missing puzzle piece, that I'll be more happy when I'm with you. But I've got no evidence for that, I've got no proof that we can sing the same song. Our lives differ from one another, you're in the city I'm in the province, you're almost at the peek of your career and I'm just a beginner in my career, you've got a lot of experience in relationship and I've got none, your real personality is all out in public and mine is not. At the back of my mind, I think I'm not your type and I'm not your ideal guy. Honestly, I'm afraid to be rejected, and I think all of us don't like that feeling. But I'll take the risk that I might be knocking on the wrong door. At least I've got the opportunity to know you and be your friend.

The reason why I send this letter to you, is for you to know that there's someone, somewhere here in Bulacan, appreciates your existence, your kindness, your intelligence, your  stories, your beauty from inside and out, your creativity and lastly, your beard and mustache. Probably you're laughing while reading this message, thinking that I'm out of my mind or it's just a result of my immaturity, but, as I told you I've never been in any relationship and never been a suitor to anyone. So I don't know what to do. This is the only way I know to catch your attention, for you to know my feelings and to know that I'm very serious to you. For now, I can't afford to ask you for a date, so this letter is my only chance to show and prove to you that I really like you.

Leo, I like you! That's all, thanks!

-E.P

After the dating fiasco I recently had, this act of confession diluted the hurt and was replaced by reactions like,

“No, this can’t be happening…”

“Is he serious?”

“Wow, he can write well!”

“Oh my, what have I done to him?”

“Awww, that is cute!!! Why me?”

Why me?

Then with a knee-jerk impulse I answered, “WHY NOT.”

After all that has transpired during the past few days, I can’t help but question my capacity to be loved again. That spark of hope I was talking about in the recent blog entry got watered like a plant. It was ignited like a fire on its minute phase. He made me feel important, but more than anything else, he made me feel that I deserve another chance.

I admire him for taking the risk. I can see myself in him that I, like him has the propensity to take risk and be straightforward enough when it’s needed. It’s admirable for a guy to put that effort. For when I stopped to chase, someone was willing to stand up and care to volunteer. Someone is confessing to me. Someone is pouring all his heart out, word per word. I mean, in my lifetime, I've only experienced this in few occasions.

I’m not sure where this would lead. But I sure do hope that this time, it’ll be sweeter.

It’ll be sweeter. 

Sleepless

How on earth I allowed this to happen?

When all the while, I thought I was strong and sturdy, a certain move leads me to another broken hearted episode. When I controlled every sense of my feelings and posed a dominant facade, I come crumbling down to pieces.  On a Sunday noon, when all are in the confines of home, relaxing and enjoying the day, here I am, in tears as I type this blog entry.

Why am I attracted to someone and when I get to know him more, I fell? Then for some reasons, I put myself into a hurting situation when all the while, I should have known better?

I should know better.

But I chose to be the loving guy that despite knowing his reputation, I am here to love and accept. Albeit I am in dark knowing how I stand in his life, I was willing to take that risk to embrace all of him. Despite the fact, that all I get, is that this has never been a big deal for him. 

How cheap can I get that I endure these miserable and faltering emotions? This is unbecoming of a dignified person that I know of. I anticipate frustrations from my life mentors. How can I be proud of this failure?

It’s a sad state of affairs. And there’s only one to be blamed.

Me.

I know I can pick-up from this mess. I’ve come to terms that I can move on in a snap.

But this one is complex. For when I started to believe again in love, this blow just made me realize that it’s just over. I am doomed and will never find him ever.

How can I bring back that spark of hope?

I think a sound sleep can give me back that mental shape. I think a long and profound sleep can mend that hurt.

Or I can just be sleepless. Until I learn how to be tough again. 

Single Musings

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day.  So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish.  However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine, I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do, every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference.  In fact, I never have to out myself to my parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends? The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about me… well, lately.  Honestly, Barakos (someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on” chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love them. 

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly, they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.

This was also a year of unending blessings from the universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know, those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon.  Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.” This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single and being in a relationship.  

Whatever the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

I’m ok.