Thank You 2013

It has been a year of ups and downs, but mostly happy stories this 2013. I’m happy to recount some of the highlights, stories and lessons of this year and how it impacted the way I view things now.  Indeed, I’m thankful for the blessings and love manifested by the universe. I’m thankful that for this year, I got to have more control of my life and steered it on the way I want it to be. Thanks to people who shared their time, to the friends who never left me on my own battles, to my family who've always been with me. 

January

• First time to experience tollgate (NLEX). Went to Tagaytay with ex to celebrate his 27th birthday. It was a thrilling experience, something very new to me. But honestly, I’m intimidated by how other people can tackle the road flawlessly. I survived my first bout in the most famous national road of the country. I arrived in Tagaytay in one piece.

• The month where I started planning out New Zealand migration.

February

• Few days after Valentines, he broke up with me. I cried for few days and was ready to move on after several weeks.

• The months where I averaged 15 hours a day at work

March

• Dated the following: a Twitter personality, someone I met in PR, someone in Grindr, a policeman and some more

• Work started to be very demanding. Still averaging 15 hours a day at work

April

• Attended one of my supervisor's wedding in Pampanga. Conquered SLEX this time.

May

• Scheduled my meeting with NZ immigration consultant

June

• My sister got diagnosed with Viral Encephalitis. One of the most dramatic episodes of my life.

• Cancelled my plan to migrate to NZ due to high expenses in the hospital

July

• Seriously planned on buying a pick-up

August

• One of the best months in the office. Site’s performance exceeded all other vendors

September

• Planned my birthday in Palawan with my sister

October

• Went to Palawan with Sis. Enjoyed every moment of this vacation

• Got featured in damuhan.com, thanks again to my friend, Bino

• Bought Bamba, my Nissan Navara pick-up (picture above)

• Went to Subic to visit our US Navy cousin

• Went to Tagaytay with the closest friends in the online world – the Barakos

November

• Most emotional month of all the months. There were moments I got depressed because of the feeling of emptiness

• Sis’ boyfriend came home from New Zealand to have a vacation. It was my first time to drive to the international airport to pick-up someone. 

December

• Busiest month of the year

• Experienced for the first time manila's theme park – Star City

• Went to Puerto Galera, got drunk on one of the weekends and met a guy who sat beside me on the beach

• Went to Tagaytay with Arvin, my co-soundcloud artist. Hmmm, I know right.

• Attended a family reunion for the first time

The universe has blessed me with a lot of human interactions, failures which ended up to be valuable lessons in life. Here are some of the key thoughts I remember for 2013: 

• That everything happens for a reason. The plans that did not materialize, just like the plan to migrate might not or will not be good for me.  Or is not yet time.

• Breaking-up is not bad after all. You get to learn more of yourself after being hurt. It’s also a test of how you can endure temporary pain. That moving on is the most important facet.

• Friends are the people who are there for you when you are down, not when there is just booze and some party going on.

• That having a boyfriend is cool. But being rich is cooler. Just kidding

• If you are single, you will be sad once in a while

• Having a relationship will never define you. It should not be the end-all or be-all

• It’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship

• Pursue happiness, and enjoy while doing it

• Never leave your friends behind

• Generosity, thankfulness, deep gratitude and paying it forward

• “What others do to you is their karma, how you react, is yours.”

• Love your work, and work will love you back, ten-folds

With just a few days, we will welcome 2014. I just hope that the universe continue to bless me with wisdom. But above all, peace and serenity in my heart - comfort that whatever happens in my life, I got all the things I need and that my dreams are just in the palm of my hands. 

To prosperity and beyond. 

Cheers. 

My Blog Got Featured in damuhan.com!

This is the first time that I get to be interviewed by a certified blogger and be put on a hotseat! 

Thanks to a very good friend, Bino of damuhan.com for making me the blogger of the month of October. I'd be forever grateful for the opportunity to share my stories and insights. I super enjoyed it.

If you want to read the full article, kindly click here. 

To You

To My Future Half,

I wonder if you are still in existence. For I am not sure if I will continue my life in solitude or together we weave our love story. I wonder if you are just out there living your own life, doing your usual grind or in the arms of your lover. I sometimes think if we will still see each other, cross our paths or should I just wallow in the thoughts that you are no longer to happen. That you actually do not exist. That I am just a fool. 

Quite frankly, I am losing patience. Not in a desperate type of way, but I just can't help but think that you are just out there. That you might be someone living in my circle, someone I met in the past, someone I get to interact online, or someone that have gone astray. I am losing patience in myself because the more I control my feelings, the more I see myself clamoring for your attention. Then again, the sad part is, I don't know who you are. Or I know you, but I am afraid to take that step believing that we don't sing the same song. I hope I am wrong and it is not too late.

Let me put this all out. 

You know, in my dreams I see you as someone that complements my crazy life. In my randomness, there you are arranging my elements. For in my authoritative way, you harmonize and make me do things in unison to yours. That in my character you add shades I've never set my eyes and heart upon before, because you just can. You just simply can.

If you are someone I have chance upon in the past, I am sorry for not paying attention. My heart belongs to someone that time. Now that I am free, I was indeed wrong to assume that maybe, it's our time now. I am still waiting. Because until we fall in each other's arms, I will feel that longingness. It does linger until now, and it pains me tremendously, that you are still not in my reality.

It takes time. I should wait. I should be patient. Believe me, I understand and I am patient.

As I wait for you my future half, I am making myself busy preparing for your coming. For when our time comes, I want you to be proud of me. I don't want you to feel I am just an average person not worthy of your time, trust and affection. I hope that despite my shortcomings, you will still have faith in me. We want us to be strong. We want us to define stability and maturity. Your happiness is my happiness. I want us to laugh together. Meet our families and friends. That we are intimate not because it is our responsibility, but because it is nothing but normalcy. There are times we will argue, but we will stick with each other no matter what, because on our hearts, that's the right thing to do. When the time comes I am prepared, I believe you will come along. You will come along.

To you I will devote my life. Strong words, though we know it is the fundamental for both. Serious, but that it is how it should be. Because what is the sense of relationship if it just flows and exist on fooling around. Let's leave that to those who aspires for a miserable life. 

I can't wait for this moment. I can see ourselves planning our lives together, travelling and trying all sorts of things and eating. At our confines I can imagine your scent, your soft caress and the way your fingers pinch my fingers. I can't wait to lay my head to your shoulders, or kiss your forehead tenderly while you look sleepy. I can't wait to see you sleeping beside me and on those moments I realize how lucky I am to have you FINALLY.

Love, 

Leo

Life is Sunny and Green

Just one fine sunny Sunday, after my usual badminton game, I and my old time friend decided to have lunch in the nearest mall. She’s my classmate back in high school and we’ve known each other for a long time. Our friendship got rekindled when I joined their badminton club and I’m happy that things positively changed from the time we were like adolescent until now that she has her family and me just doing my thing. This is the first time for many years that we get to have lunch together, just to really catch-up on the things that have come our way. 

If not for the break-up, I will not have bridged the friendship back, not only to her, but for my other friends as well. So much for the years that I’ve placed myself in the hiatus of my long time friends, those days should be long been gone. Though I see them on several occasions, it’s still different when you get to see them in person, constantly. 

For whatever reasons, I find comfort and security when surrounded by true friends. Just like that one fine day, when all I thought world crumbled upon me, I find strength in the words of my good friend. I was going through something, in fact, I’m still is. I remember her words as I sashayed on my emotions through bits and pieces of my stories. No matter how complicated I think about my situation, her trivial and simple approach struck me. “Stop the feeling of emptiness, Leo.” 

When all I thought I was incomplete and feeling incomplete, her words just made me realize, I’m still lucky above anyone else. Sometimes, I think how retarded I am contemplating of things that I’ve lost. When all the while I’ve found so many especially in times I was depressed. Funny how life tries to lure with things you want. Only to find out, there’s just so plenty, and all you have to do is unravel them in your deepest senses. 

I’ve learned a lot from that simple lunch together. I could not ask for more. To find justice in my resources is simple enough to give insurmountable gratitude. Not that I’m complaining, for it is not right when others are in despair. In the comforts of my life, I should be thankful. And I am. 

I think what makes me more human are the emotions that goes through each challenges I’m faced. I just don’t want to sit on the fact though that I’m higher than those obstacles. Still, I’m at the mercy of my strength and my willingness to change. In the higher scheme of things, reliance to self is of paramount character. As a human, it’s still gratifying to see people who keep on supporting you, who will vouch for you. That despite shortcomings, there are still people who believes. 

Just few weeks after our meet up, my family experienced a major set-back. My sister was rushed to the hospital, got confined for more than a week in ICU, and we were relieved that it was not permanently damaging to her life.

It’s indeed something to be thankful for. 

My plans of migrating will be put into the sides, yet I’m happy and thankful that some opportunities are coming my way in terms of my career and finances. I might have lost in some aspect, yet I gained a lot of network and it broadens my horizon for things to come. I’ve learned… that whatever set-backs we have, we will have hundreds of options. Sometimes, you just need awesome friends. 

That one fine sunny Sunday, made me realize how sunny and green life is. And forever, I will be thankful.

Thought of Diaspora

This entry is written to remind myself of how it was like for me being single again. It’s been more than three months since the break-up and as I assess myself, I got scared knowing that I’ve been just fine. I just don’t find it normal that there’s no such thing as mourning or countless moments of emoness. Don’t get me wrong, I got sad, but it wasn’t perpetual as expected. I know that I should be celebrating my maturity and the impeccable way I handled myself during and after the event, which in my point of view, is a typical expectation for someone who has been seasoned and lucky to have several relationships in life.  I hope I can say it was easy but as I try to go back day by day, building this story, and recapitulating the emotions that went around it, I can’t help but realize how the impact of this, change me to view things and force me to understand better.

No one can really make a 100% effective manual to move on and overcome a painful break-up. It takes more than putting a step by step process and expect someone to run with it and have a happily ever after ending. There’s just no blanket approach. Though some people can relate, I believe the best medicine to this kind of pain is their own antidote that they themselves can create.

Work has been the best refuge so far. It is integral to me. It gave me the reason to subject myself to long hours at work, focus on what needs to be done, support the people that work for the company and for my department. Knowing the fact that I only depend on myself, I feel more the need to achieve. The salary mindset has been totally erased and for me, the paramount in my career is to be able to achieve my personal career goals. It elates me being able to touch a lot of people, inspire them to be achievers too. I realized and dawned on me my strength in helping people realize their potentials. I’m also happy to have found new mentors in my career. People who I think at some point might have lost confidence in me, but has always been patient in providing feedback and guidance. 

So I asked myself. What else can I do to enrich my life? I recently joined a speech and leadership organization, Toastmasters International. In this club, a lot of professional spends a great deal of hours to hone their public speaking skills. But on top of that – no one can deny the fact that this group is a great source of friendship and network. It was really an enriching experience to have met some VPs from banks, managers from retail industry, entrepreneurs, college students/professors, IT professionals, auditors and a whole lot more. Last Saturday, we had this small workshop about personal goals and challenges. That workshop was indeed something I need to cap that day. I was already on my 20^th hour awake from a Friday night shift at work. 

There are two things lurking my mind that moment of workshop. One is my goal of migrating to NZ. Seek better life outside the country, and number two, purchase my dream pick-up car. Obviously of the two, the easiest to achieve was the latter. I have a job that can sustain monthly amortization. I just can sell my existing ride to decrease the amount of down payment. But then again, I realized. Is this self-enriching? Is it really worth buying a new car? Will this bring long-term happiness in my life? Or will it just give me license to brag, feel good about myself and then what? 

As I try to build a plot in my head, the resounding foundation of this all is really my desire to move on with my new life. That I’m already single, that I should be opening a new chapter in my existence. That I should be thinking about my future whether alone or with a partner if ever. I’m happy of the change, but the transition really just bores me to death. Partly it’s my fault of not doing anything, or maybe I’m not pushing myself hard. 

I had several meet-ups and dates after the break-up, but then I realized, is it worth it? Or maybe I’m just not finding the right guy, or I’m not yet prepared for any guy for that matter. Is it my standards? Well I certainly don’t blame my ex, he’s really one tough guy to beat (see, I’m not a hater). Can I adjust to any guy? Then I thought of some pre-conditions. Which makes me conclude, it’s not happening, or my heart's turning to stone?

The month of June will be extra tough in terms of managing my itinerary. I’ve committed myself in adhering to my calendar of activities which points to my other goal.  A sort of stuff will be sacrificed, but I feel that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I really owe this to myself. If it comes soon, I’d be stoked with the idea of a better life, not only for me, but for my family as well. 

A close friend asked, “What will compel you to change your mind to migrate?” I answered, “Two things. That f*cking Strada I’ve been yearning for years. Number two… if that someone I’m eyeing for will ask me to stay.” 

“Taena mo Leo. Ang landi mo rin eh.” And we burst out laughing. 

I don’t know. I think there are solid plans in my mind. But it’s really all up to me at this point. The universe blessed me with endless options but at the end of the day, the decision should come from the heart. 

Great days ahead I see. Great days...

So The Love Story Ends

It’s about time that I tell the story behind the heartrending tweets. It’s almost four weeks, and today should have been another month added to six years. Few more, we could have turned seven. But all stories, even the good ones, must come to an end.

Nimmy and I broke up.

He threw the towel and all I can do is yield.  No words can describe the feeling during that day, when all I thought, this can never happen.  As I try to look back and reflect on my past actions, I’m torn between thinking I was never enough or we are never in unison in our last months as partners. I was like playing the wrong tune and was playing the music out in the orchestra. I’m left out, or I left him out. We’re doing it differently, when it shouldn't be.

The sad part I guess is that I kept closed ears, and blocked the senses of the heart.  When all is falling apart, I was blinded in my optimistic view about relationship and our future. When perhaps he was crying in pain, I was there fighting my own battle in life. When perhaps I was alone and tired, he was there, he's turn to fight his own battle. That shouldn't be the case when for all the experiences I have, I should have seen it coming, and could have done something. I may have the instinct on things, but I decided to ignore and go with the flow. For I’m faced with the idea and vision of love and eternal. My vision was joy, but together, it was not.

Perhaps people reading this and have experienced broken-hearted, may relate to the pain I’m going through. It pains me too, that he’s going through the same.  But I know he is that strong because he was able to call it out on me. It was not an easy task, however I know that he’s happy in his decision. I believe it was the best for us, and I support him all throughout.

And life has to move on…

I have a career to take care of, plans to carry out, and my family who’s been very supportive in all my endeavors. Despite the many failed relationships they have witnessed, they are still there to support. I guess it was just for me to re-learn the values of love in the family. It’s a learning process, and I know that life will eventually unfold to me on greater heights. This situation also made me realize who true friends are.  To those, thanks for listening to me. The wisdom never failed me, that in times of trouble and grief, only few friends will be there to console. I’m thankful for those who understood us, and for those people who never left him. I still care for him, for I know I can survive alone.

I remember the things I learned in The Alchemist. That this relationship may have been a Personal Legend that I have achieved, one should not be discouraged to find another Personal Legend. The heart should move on, the same way that we want to discover ourselves.

As for Nimmy, I know he’s still young and I know he’ll go places. He’s smart, and he’s destined to be whatever he wants to be. I’m proud of him and I’m forever thankful for his kindness and love.

There are so many things going on in my mind, and I hope thoughts will settle soon in the form of plans and actions. I’m positive things will work out just fine. It better be.

As I try to find myself, I hope that the Universe trust me to love again soon.