Thursday, February 27, 2014

Single Musings

I was on my way to the parking area when I realized that it has been a week from the time I celebrated my anniversary of being single. How can I forget, February 17? How can I forget the poignant moment of my life when everything got settled into parting ways? But prior to that, I was so stressed with work that there was really a hint of me being absent for at least a day.  So I am absent today. Right now, as I type the remaining body of this blog, I’m quite feverish.  However, this shouldn’t stop me from writing what I feel I need to write. It’s long overdue and I’m not giving myself a favor if I miss this chance, this moment.

So going back to my story… as I’m turning on Bamba’s engine, I kinda’ contemplated the year that was. I think one important facet of that year was the moment I had with the family. Since they are a source of strength and inspiration, I often draw the passion from them. I feel that for every step I do, every achievement I have, I bring forth pride in them. More paramount I guess is the fact that they’ve been supportive of me in every endeavor I have. October was when I outed myself to my sister, and never did I feel indifference.  In fact, I never have to out myself to my parents, because sister already confirmed that they know what I’ve gone through with ex. There’s just immense joy in that, and I draw from that feeling the willingness to move on with my life.

Then we have friends. How can I survive if not for friends? The words of encouragement, subtle schooling and bullying did help in some ways. It’s not just the happy moments you spent together as a group, but it’s more of the support you get from this people that matters. That whatever you are going through, they rarely judge you. It’s a revelation to have meet and be close to some people I never thought I will be very close with. You have Pareng L who was ex’s previous best friend. I’m not sure what happened but with some stroke of the universe, we clicked on a lot of things and it turns out that we’re like twins. Though I won’t compete on who-has-the-longest-hair contest, he has been like a repository of my dark secrets. Feels like he knows everything about me… well, lately.  Honestly, Barakos (someone coined this name to my blogger’s group), has been instrumental to my “moving-on” chapter. The fact that I can tell everything to them, means a lot. I love them. 

This was also the time I rekindled my friendship to some of my long-lost friends. Who would have thought I can gain strength from my high school friends. They’ve been very supportive as well. But more importantly, they have imparted some sort of wisdom. They have their own families but I still feel that they look after me at some point.

Then you have a best friend in the office. You know what they say that you don’t mix friendship and business together? Apparently, it’s not applicable to my co-manager friend. We have our ups and downs and lunch-date misses, but then again, we look after each other’s welfare in the office. We have nurtured a connection. We’re like shock-absorbers for each other.

I feel that my foundation at this point is family and friends. And I personally feel that it’s the right route. That however cheesy as it may sound, it’s just the primordial thing at this point.
This was also a year of unending blessings from the universe. I’m really thankful for a lot of things that have happened after the break-up.

We’ll to say the least, I feel I’m blessed to have meet several guys in my attempt to find the perfect guy. A lot of school of thoughts lingers to me in this aspect. For one, I’ve learned that it’s better to work on yourself first while you are single so that the right person will come along. I agree. Been there done that. Am I still a work in progress? I think so. Do I have the right people to give me feedback and advice? I think so too. It’s great to change for the better, I embrace this dogma, and I hope people close to me will not hesitate to provide honest feedback.

Be the person you want to meet. It’s like telling, attract someone with your own personality. Sometimes I feel it’s like a BS. But come to think of it, when you are in a relationship you want to be respected so you show the same respect. It’s easy to comprehend yet there were moments I was selfish. Like I want this, I want that… Those pesky standards I placed into guys, when all I know, those same standards can be the same standards I will be measured upon.  Funny truth.

This time around, I’m sure I’ve done my part as a single citizen of the world.

I’ve loved myself and brought back self-worth. Confidence is something that can’t be questioned. I can be upfront when situation arises. I can be observant when I need to decipher and sort things out. I can be wherever I want to be. It’s this feeling of control to my destiny that brings me the most “high.” This concludes the fact that I’ve experienced happiness in both sides – being single and being in a relationship.  

Whatever the case maybe, I think my own happiness is non-negotiable.

So now, I’m not sure what’s in store for me in the future. If it entails another heart break, so be it. If I was able to bear it at some point, I don’t think it will be harder the next time around. If it entails a blissful success, I’ll be very thankful in every second of my life. I think it takes a lot of maturity to accept whatever risk we have to take. It takes maturity to know when to stop and know the consequences. I’m on that stage right now.

A plethora of things and tasks are still in the pipeline. As long as there is something to do and to look forward to, I’m ok.

I’m ok.